Needy and Blessed

Suffering, many go to great lengths to avoid it.  Of course, it’s painful.  Most people inherently do not like pain.   I do not particularly like pain – just for pain’s sake.  And, I have been very good at managing my life to avoid pain.  I've written about the season of life I'm in where pain has been a fairly constant companion.  Where, in 2016, my husband sustained a work injury that put the weight of my household and his care squarely upon my shoulders while at the same time the company I work for also was undergoing changes that pressed down hard upon me physically as well as emotionally – making an already difficult situation almost unbearable.  I went through my husband’s recuperation and my company’s internal insanity in a daze of shock.  Much of it seemed surreal.   In the last year my own health issues and the loss of loved ones and health issues of family members have put additional burdens on me that I never envisioned would come to me.  Though I have not endured the most terrible things that can happen to humans, I’ve had constant pain and challenge that I believe would try the strongest of individuals.  At times it felt like crawling into a hole was a very inviting idea.   But, God.  

In this season, where so much was pressing in and it felt like death at many points – God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit – He has shown me kindness as I have never known it before.   I could not have understood the depth and detail of His great kindness in any other place, time or situation.  For His kindness to me – I am so grateful.  It’s always been available to me, but, I realized I could not access it from all the places of ease and comfort and success that I’ve had.  Those things actually prevented me from seeing that He was there always offering to connect so kindly to me.   Isn’t that the great dichotomy? In order to receive some things – you must be poor.  Having serious needs can bring very a great opening of your eyes to the greatest need and the ever available fulfillment of it.

I spent a great deal of my life trying to never really need too greatly.  I've blogged about my parents who loved me, but who could not help me with the pain of my terrible chronic ear infections from babyhood into teens. From that I learned that needing was not well understood or appreciated.  It was not okay to need too much – people could not help you with some things (even when you asked).  At some point it became too painful to need.  It seemed as though the answer was not to need or have any expectations at all.  This brilliant idea circumvented human failures and the whole crushing disappointment of needs that never would be met.  Hoping just became a trap of unending pain.   Better not to really hope for those needs.

Step in God – who is ever the most generous, loving, faithful, present, active, powerful and willing of Fathers, whose life it is to see His beloved children grow and overcome and savor His goodness to them in every way.   He is not the sidelines sort.   Never one to sit idly by – He is actively in life with His beloved at every detail.  He's led, prompted, guided, put activity and materials in my life and path - He's never left my side - has always been present and always put me into places where His generosity flows - most greatly in the midst of serious suffering.  He's taken things from my hands and out of my life and put other things in.  Through it all - He has shown Himself so faithful and present.

For me – I do not believe I would have been able to perceive God’s great goodness in this time if not for all the growth He’s given me all throughout my life through so many of His beautiful children and the healing He’s given me in so many areas of my heart.  He placed just the right people (my community) in my life all along the way to bring me safe family to be real with and to grow with.  To learn how to endure hard things well.  To learn from and help others learn.   I am so grateful for those people God’s blessed me to know and do life with.  They are keepers – not perfect but real and willing to walk through hard things together.  It’s knowing these kinds of people that made me able - when I came face to face with them - to admit and share my needs.  They supported me in the hardest of times – praying for and with me, encouraging me, being there for things, seeing the best and calling it up in me, giving me opportunities and platforms.  I can’t say what that meant to someone like me who did everything in their power to never need anything from anyone.  What a joy to know there are people to be safe with needs about and to be out ahead, partnering and perceiving, many times before a need could be asked!   It doesn’t mean they met the needs that only God can, but, they met needs that He’s given them discernment, grace and ability to meet.  And, we really have grown so wonderfully together – in ways we could never grow otherwise with Him and each other. Wow, I have learned what being poor is at a whole new level.  It’s about a wealth that cannot be counted in money, status or worldly power systems.  Pain, suffering and seeing how desperately we need God and each other and seeing how God meets us there so BIG - yes, I would have missed Him entirely, but for the help He’s given me in the midst of suffering and pain.  Thank you, God.

I still have so much to learn, so far to grow, so much more to see.  I’m not even at the start.  I’m a blind woman, dull in my wits and abilities. Poor – it’s the most wonderful to be poor – where resting on God and those beloved He’s placed around you is all that you can do.  Ahhhh - what a relief.  It’s where you learn in a whole new way that you can’t give what you have not first received.