Diving Deep!

I remember a time (I was about 9 or 10) I loved the ocean and was out swimming in it. A giant wave came up and knocked me over violently and sucked me under.  I hadn’t taken a proper breath and it kept dragging me down in the water, throwing me hard to the sand.  It tumbled me over and over like a rag doll in a washing machine, as I thrashed to get to the surface for air.  Once I surfaced, sucking in air, another wave hit me and got into my mouth and lungs as I was again pulled under.  In those frantic moments, my family and friends nearby -  just a few hundred yards away on the beach but not able to see that I needed help and no one in the water with me or any way for me to even call out - I literally thought, “This is it, I am going to die”.  I knew how to swim pretty well, but, I had not ever had a violent encounter of this type before.  I don’t know what happened or how, but, at one point I managed to catch a break in the waves and swam in weak, scared, coughing and exhausted, but alive.   It was a long long time before I swam in the ocean again.

After that, though the ocean was scary to me, I still loved and was fascinated with it.  Like my Dad, who loved to swim and enjoyed the ocean, I wanted to be in the water playing in and on the waves and seeing the living creatures up close for myself.  So, though I feared it greatly, over time I practiced and got better at swimming, even eventually took SCUBA lessons for my PADI license my senior year in High School.  Our class trained in our pool first and built up our strength and swimming skills, taking 4 weeks of nothing but lap work and learning and practicing life-saving water techniques even before we were introduced to the equipment. Then we began working with tanks, regulators (the breathing mouth pieces), masks and fins in the pool to get used to them.  During this time, we were given tasks to do in the gear in small groups and regularly, during these times, our instructors prepared us that they would come through and rip our masks off and pull out our regulators unexpectedly.  They did this purposely when we least expected them to in order to develop a reflexive trained response in us.  It may have seemed a little cruel and initially we panicked a bit, but, over time we learned to calmly retrieve our regulators (while continuing to blow out a small stream of bubbles until our regulators were cleared and in our mouth - holding your breath is a no-no!) clear our masks and to buddy breath with other partners while keeping track of our time down.  To get acclimated to the ocean, we put on wet suits, fins, masks and snorkeled off the coast in the Newport Beach area.   

At last, the day came when we put all of our training together for our final.  We donned our suits, weight belts and all of our gear and jumped off the boat to SCUBA!  Our dive test was off of Catalina Island at a 25 foot depth.  My partner that day started his decent and at about 15 feet he could not clear his ears.  He had to surface and missed out on certification that day.  By default the instructor became my dive partner. I went through with him as he tested all of our class members and was the last to go through demonstrating my proficiencies.

The first thing I noticed about diving that deep was the massively increased pressure on my face mask and ears (air has weight, but so does water and the further you go underwater the more weight is exerted against your body, it’s referred to as “atmospheres” -1 additional atmosphere for every 33 ft. of water).  At the increased pressure nitrogen gets forced in to your tissues and bloodstream – which is not of itself harmful.  However, divers must limit the amount of time they are under to keep from too much getting into the blood and causing Nitrogen Narcosis also known as “Rapture of the Deep” which is a disorienting condition that can cause divers to do crazy things like pull out their regulators and throw off air tanks.  Carelessness is a recipe for death - smart divers never dive alone.  Divers must plan their dives and know how to calculate how long they can remain at each depth or number of atmospheres and how much air that will require.  Also, the increased pressure and nitrogen in your tissues requires care as you surface. “The Bends” or Decompression Sickness can occur if you ascend too quickly.  You cannot just shoot to the surface as your organs can explode with the expanding gas at sudden decreasing pressures during ascent.  Some stops along ascent may be required on very deep and long dives in order to allow the body to equalize more gradually, this takes planning to be sure you have enough air in your tanks for not only your dive, but the time needed for ascent as well.  For me, it was extremely uncomfortable initially, but once I cleared my ears, though I still felt the great pressure, I was better.  The second thing I noticed was how beautiful it was at that depth of water.  The kelp bed with the different fish varieties swimming in and out and all the little crabs and critters around us and the feel of the water and ability to propel through it – I was hooked!  As I became absorbed in this new world the pressure of the additional atmosphere became less and less noticeable.  And, as I went through my auto trained responses and checks - the experience became more exciting and a pleasure.  I decided the initial discomfort and big adjustment was so worth it to see and experience this world in person and up close!

Its funny how remembering all of this is like a template over my life in recent years.  I’ve been personally undergoing a major transformative time of great pressure and challenge.   It has been some years for me – starting with my father’s death and the closure of a couple of my husband’s work places and his on and off employment.  This year, when my husband (hit while he was walking by a co-worker driving a truck) was rushed to emergency to undergo major surgery and many months of hospital and home recovery at the exact same time my employer began the operational roll-out of the merger consolidation at my work – talk about a violent WAVE!  Initially, I was in shock.  My only goal was to keep from being dragged under and to get air – thrashing to travel, seeing my husband in hospital in Orange County and maintaining my home and going through the new systems and trouble fraught roll out tasks at my job.  The powerful undertow only got stronger as my husband came home and the full weight of his every day care then fell on me at the same time my work’s ever increasing difficulties due to poor and non-existent planning and un-resolved operational problems ramped up to the havoc level.  The stress of being the sole earner and insurance carrier for the two of us paired with the physical, mental and emotional responsibilities – WOW!  I was back at the ocean in that terrible washing machine action wave scenario all over again and it felt so similar, tossed around helplessly and thrashing just to get up to air – family and friends were near, but, were not able to give the help I needed.  I was in shock and so drowning I could not even call out. 

God, thankfully, was way out ahead of me and so securely and lovingly held and buoyed me throughout all of this (in fact I had a vision long before that he would - see my post entitled "The Wave").  And while I certainly floundered about and still have lots to learn, I am dedicated to leaning in to this.  Just like the decision to take SCUBA lessons to operate safely and learn good reflexive trained responses to enjoy exploring the ocean, I am taking God’s Kingdom life lessons and becoming calm and proficient when my air supply is unexpectedly ripped away (an emergency or crazy situation, person or circumstance flares up out of the blue) I pray, read and memorize God’s word and connect with Papa who is my supply and I can breathe easy.   When my mask is ripped off (I can’t see people and situations or how to go) I rely fully on Jesus and pray for His vision and hear His heart in His word - calmly guidance and clarity come.  When I want to shoot up fast to the surface – The Holy Spirit taps me and keeps me mindful to properly navigate, wait and shows me how to equalize with Him internally, transforming my mind with God’s truth and realigning me.  God is showing me the delights and joys of His world at depths that are initially very uncomfortable, but, He’s training me to safely operate here.  HE is always the most loving incredibly powerful and reliable diving buddy.   I love the special things I’m discovering and seeing with Him at this new atmospheric weight and depth.  It’s a depth of relationship with Him of trust and intimacy I’ve never known.  There is no way to really know God without serious discomfort and major re-alignment.  We are literally oblivious in so many ways to how out of alignment we are, but He can and is fully committed to our SCUBA lessons (Spiritual Competency Unification Building Atmosphere).  And, we can get our PADI (Prefer All Daddy Is) license to dive deep with HIM!  Though it is difficult, dis-orienting and many times deeply painful - He definitely makes any of the discomfort, pressure and all I’m undergoing worth it!  The joys are tenderly mixed with a depth of knowing Him that are not simple to describe - you must dive in to know for yourself!

Obedience as Opportunity

Do you notice how people seem to really dislike the word “obedience”?  It just conjures up images of Mom or Dad shaking their finger at you and saying – “You’d best behave or else…!”.   I’ve often thought that obedience just seems fit for dog training more than it does for humans living in alignment with God’s best.  But, they do have things in common. I think what’s been most irritating about obedience for me personally is the wrong idea I had that it is a drudgery or not fun to be obedient. Oh, don’t get me wrong, there are points where it is a big challenge! But, like anything, obedience takes practice to get good at.  At first it seems a little awkward or maybe even frustratingly painful – hey, we prefer our entrenched ways!  However, after some time – practicing – it becomes easier and easier and, eventually at some point, effortless. 

My shift in seeing obedience as the real opportunity it is has become more real to me recently.  In looking at my career and some of the things God’s called me to do I noticed an interesting pattern.  When I wanted to leave and find a new work environment some years ago – God said, “NO.  You are where I want you – stay. I’ll tell you when you are to leave and I will provide where you are to go”.  So, I stay.  It has not been easy at times – I’ve had a lot of push back, difficulty and downright anger storms through some of it.  There were many days where I asked – “God, really? Do you want me here?  I don’t see the point of it”.   He saw the point of it and He always answered, “Stay” (See where those dog training similarities come in?J).  In more recent years He began to say, “Stay, and display a really great attitude”.  At times, that was so challenging. I certainly do not always succeed. But, I have been growing in doing that.  I know I’m making progress because I received a high mark in my review and special note about my positive attitude.  In fact, I’m actually practicing praising in the midst of extreme irritation (what an awesome thing that is!).  I’m learning that I can stand in Christ through very difficult things.  And, not just stand, but really joyfully over the top wholeheartedly being myself and happy – stand! That’s an opportunity I would not have in easy times or places. 

Another area of obedience as opportunity is in where God’s placed me for my home church.  Been there 6 years now going into 7 this fall. This is so different from any other faith family I’ve ever known.  It has been very awkward, puzzling, uncomfortable, and very un-relational and lonely at times. I’ve felt rejected at times, but God keeps telling me not to take it personally and – as with my work – to show up in everything with a really great attitude. We hold core doctrine in common, but there are many portions of the Bible where we hold vastly different interpretations. The differences certainly rub me the wrong way at times and I know it does them as well.  This is not a place I would have chosen for myself.  It seems an unlikely place for me to move in what God’s gifted me for, but, that is where God is so so sneaky.  He has such good things here – breathtaking things, actually.  And, despite the struggles, I really do love my faith family.  I have a heart attachment for them that goes beyond our differences.  I want them to be who they are in Christ!! I need them to be! And I and God both long for them to embrace the Holy Spirit.  I’ve done a lot of growing being with them.  Maybe they’ve grown too (grown annoyed with the constant “thorn in their side” – December – haha!! But – seriously yes, sometimes I know that’s true!).   Isn’t it funny how being obedient in growing really is not an easy thing – but it is the most wonderful opportunity. I've seen some strongholds have been breaking and that's been wonderful.  Others have asked me why I stay and I know that God wants me here – I don’t even ask Him about it at all.  He is bringing something fantastically beyond what I can see right now, it’s just on the horizon and, I will not miss THAT!  I am also learning not to defend myself or hide away my giftings, even if it is uncomfortable for everyone.  God gave me the calling – so humans can never take it back.  But, I am also learning compassion and humility in the midst of standing and being myself. Talk about a “tight-rope walk” at times – sheesh!! But, when I’m walking in obedience, even with some wobbliness at times - God’s got me balanced – it really is the best!

Back to the fun part of obedience – it really does become fun – seriously.  Obedience, when you break it down to the basic thing – is the practice of God’s very best life.  There are soooo many things I am completely ignorant, foolish and out of my depth with in this life.  I do not make good decisions apart from God’s word and presence.  I can’t rely on my own decision maker – it is faulty and frail and deceitful above all things.  I must remain obedient, even when it makes no sense, when I’m floundering in emotions, when I’m at complete odds with it.  And, ok here’s the cool part, when I do obey – first it gets easier to continue obeying and second, things really do work out best.  I’m not saying everything is easy – please don’t mistake me - but, God just makes a way where there was none before. 

Obedience – always the best opportunity - where God makes a way in me where there was none before.