Hidden In Plain View

I've had some things crystallize and come into sharp focus recently.  Throughout the toughest parts I've prayed, cried, screamed, basically been on an emotional roller coaster at times. Through it all, God has been so patient - so trustworthy, walking me steady and guarding me. I can honestly say I've wanted to throw in the towel at many junctures.  I've asked, "What do you want me to do Lord?" sort of knowing before hand that He just wanted me to rest in Him and trust that He would take care of me and show me what I needed to release to Him. I'm so thankful for Him.  Our relationship is something that's grown as a result of my struggles - so I am very grateful for that.  But additionally, another piece of this long puzzle has come into sharp focus for me.  I've known I was in training and growing - even noted that this "Boot Camp" is not for the squeamish.  But my recent re-writing of my testimony to include more of what's come from this struggle and even more recent prayer and times of God sending me insights - has coalesced into an amazing deeper heart level of knowing Him.  To give a better idea - here are some words from Matthew 5:43 through 48 that sum up much of what I've been experiencing at a deeper level of understanding:

Matthew 5:43-48 The Message
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."

I discovered, when I had looked at some points of my struggles, that I was able to concede the truth of the things Jesus was showing me - that I needed to love people who were not,  in any sense of the word "lovable" at times.  But I was just not really doing it wholeheartedly.  Oh, I would pray and note when they did good work - commending and seeing good things about them.  But now looking back, it was always in a limited "I'll give you this much, but no more" sort of way.  Mostly because at times one person was still really irritating and hurting me.  In short, I was holding out -  not being generous or patient because I was still holding on to a portion of resentment - feeling that the person should turn around and repent or stop.  I hadn't given it up to Jesus.  You cannot be a child of God and fail to be patient or generous - it's incompatible with God's nature and Spirit.  When Jesus showed me, again, how very generous He's always been to me it made me so convicted and heart sick to realize that I had shared him so poorly.  I cried.  It felt terrible to realize that I had so badly represented Him. I had showed Jesus in such a limiting stingy and impatient way - which He never never is.  It made me very sad to think anyone would look at Him that way because of me.  But then, it was also such a good good thing to realize, because it finally helped me to see it.


I've known those bible verses for a long long time.  And, I've understood and tried to live them at many points.  But, I've finally learned that I cannot do it myself.  I cannot love people or be patient with them, but Jesus can through me - if I will let Him if I will wait on Him.  It's as though those verses have a completely different meaning from when I first read and thought I understood them. There is a transformation that's been happening. There's almost no resemblance to my original understanding - mostly, I think, because it was in MY head and not from Jesus' heart in me.


And, hearing about God's love again from 1 Cor 13:4 - Love is patient - it suffers long.  So, not taking my own active steps to protect or defend or do anything, but let God - wait on Him.  Its about God, not us or our actions.  I am still learning so much about this and long for the fullness to unfold.   Thank you Lord - make my heart pure and authentically a reflection of yours in every way.