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| Drawing by Jean Keaton |
It reminded me of something that happened
earlier this year to me. I have come to understand that my soul has a lot of
lies that were planted in it from ages where I really had no ability to reason
or understand. I’ve harbored and even nurtured many of them without realizing
it. Now that I’m more aware, when I detect there are lies present, I want to
uncover them and see what Jesus is holding there for me instead. Earlier this
year I found a whopper. I was meeting with a group of people who were telling
me various things, all good with good intentions, and I was listening and asking
questions, trying to gain a more complete understanding. At one point in our
discussions I shared some things from my heart with them; however, this
particular group did not really grasp some of what I was saying. I could tell
by what they noted in return that they missed a core piece of information and
though I tried various means and different illustrations, they seemed intent to
fix firmly on their interpretation of what I was saying. They seemed to show no
interest in listening to me to understand what I was telling them. In those
moments, I had this overwhelming feeling of being completely alone, abandoned,
voiceless and pretty much helpless to do anything about it for myself.
A little later that day I was meeting up with friend
on an errand. Since it was fresh in my
mind and she noted she had time – she kindly agreed to help me process these
feelings that had come up. So, I felt as
though no matter what I said or how I said it, I was not being heard in any
real way. My friend asked me if there was any time I’d felt this same way before in my life. I had occasions when
I was older where this had happened, but my earliest connection to it came in
an impression I had from when I was very young.
I described to her being a little one standing in a baby bed in a room and
crying and crying, but no one ever came. I was looking for my mama, but she
never came. It was a long time, seemed unending, and no person looked in on me.
The door was open to the room I was in, but I could not hear or see any other
person in the house. My friend asked me what I believed about me right there in
that baby bed alone, no one coming or around. I said, “I cannot be heard and I
don’t matter”. So, she asked me if I wanted to know where Jesus was when I was
there and to ask him if it was true, that I cannot be heard and I don’t
matter. I said yes. I tentatively
questioned, really hurting and fearful, “Jesus is it true no one can hear me
and I don’t matter?” As I was sitting in that place of deep pain and loneliness
as a little child I had the impression settle on me of Jesus there holding me
and cuddling me and lovingly rocking me in the midst of my abandonment. A
strong sense of safety and security as well as a feeling of being deeply treasured,
loved, holding significance and being a source of delight all came flooding
over me from Jesus. What a powerful
moment of reality. He was always there
with me. His holding me in that moment broke lies off of my soul and gave me a
more complete sense of assurance that I matter to Him. I had known for many years that I matter to
him. I know and trust that He died to
free me of sin on the cross and rose to new life so I could walk with God in
this new life. But, does Jesus take the
time and trouble to apply the truth of his cross acutely and accurately to the
hearts of little babies that lie within long since grown up women and men? Does he stop to value, love and care for a baby
whose only translation of the gospel writings would be in this wordless form? I assure you, Jesus cares about and daily
tends to these details meticulously, wonderfully and with great joy. He does not always do it in the same way as he did on this day. Sometimes there are things I've needed to work through, to forgive others or repent of things I have done wrong before I am able to receive what He has for me. But these things are not just trivial niceties or wistful
little wishing’s – they are core alignments.
There was a part of my heart that did not know
this aspect of His truth and it prevented a fullness of receiving from Him. At that moment I realized His truth in a
deeper more full way that freed me of a lie.
And, even though that room was still empty of other people and no other person
ever came when I cried Jesus was there.
He was present and attentive to my need to be loved in the way a child
needs to be loved and cared for. I spent
some time there with Jesus and that was really good – I still go back there to
savor his goodness and He’s always there for me. As I say, over the years I’d come to know that
Jesus is always with me - first through learning and reading it in the bible. And then, I’ve
also had many adventures with him where he’s shown me he is with me. He is my lifelong best friend as well as the awe
striking pure and holy Lamb of God.
Every day we share conversation and interaction. Sometimes he’ll point me to his word and give
me impressions about an aspect of it or I’ll read him some portions out loud
and sit with him resting in them.
Sometimes we’re walking or I’m somewhere and He’ll show me a person or
people and he’ll point out something he wants for them and I’ll give it to them
from Him or pray for them, if that’s what He wants.
Sometimes He takes me into the Kingdom room and we look at the maps and
plans with their various brilliantly unfolding designs and details. Sometimes he’s just really fun and seriously
funny. No one has a more outstanding sense of humor or better timing than
Jesus. He simply is the best. I spend time on my face exalting and adoring
him, awe struck by His holiness and undone by the greatness of His majestic
presence – reverence, terror and deep thankfulness all mixed together. But, when I was
a little child I did not know him in these ways. When he showed me that even then, when I was
too young to help myself or do anything and had no personal relational
abilities with him, he took care of it all and still does. He is deeply vested in our relationship and
was before I ever had any awareness or ability to respond. He is my loving mother
and father, tending to all my needs and thrilled and delighted to do so. And he
is relentless in holding and tending to my wounded heart and soul and teaching it His truth as he grows
me out through and past those woundings to represent him uniquely in the way He
crafted me to. He respects the
personhood he gave me – so the areas of work where he invites my participation
I get to choose if I will or not. He never
overrides, but, is ever the framework of life upon which I stand. When I willingly give my personhood back to
him that’s when it always becomes more amazing and what it should be.
When that little me experienced him there - the intensity of the feelings
that had gripped me of abandonment, helplessness and voicelessness went away
and were replaced with deep significance, peace, joy and delight. He released the “hostage hold” in that
portion of my soul of a misperception I had about who He really is and who I am
to Him that I had no awareness of. That’s part of “soul work” with fear and trembling.
It is important to live my life in accord with
God’s truth as best as I have apprehended it in my heart - regardless of
feelings. And, I must be diligent in
ever learning His truth in his word and walking with him to apply it daily to my life. His
grace both empowers and covers me right where I’m at. And, it’s important for me to grasp the true role
feelings play and where they afford me awareness, with God, to press in to the
fullness of the truth of His word. It’s
funny – God cares about feelings just as he cares about all aspects of his
creation. He created them powerful and
beautiful things. He has feelings and is
never ashamed or avoidant of having them.
He certainly is never materially or spiritually stronger or weaker because
of them – but is rich and whole in the fullness of them. His masterful display of pure and holy
feelings is radiantly glorious and terrifying.
God is no stoic. He took full
vent of every righteous bit of anger and wrath out upon Jesus. He also poured
out the full measure of deepest relational love and glory upon his son, in whom
he is well pleased and fully vested. Stoicism is a system of protection that humans
invented to manage feelings. Kingdom
people are joyful as they intentionally more deeply embrace the heart of their
Father while shedding all other forms of protection. If we’re being made in
Christ’s image we will be our true self and pure and holy feelings will be a
mere outflow of that transformation.
Feelings, a great gift God has given to fully savor life and a stellar
built-in set of indicators. They always point out when and where something is
going on in me when they come up. Like a
campfire of green wood, they leave a trail of smoke to follow to the source of
where they are coming from. I don’t
mistake truth for feelings, but, I also don’t ignore the opportunity they
present for me to apprehend God's truth in a deeper way. I use them to discover. I’m always thankful to partner when God
invites me to realign to His truth in my heart.
It is not an easy process, but it is always good. I love learning new levels of joy in the
midst too! And, I love helping my friends and family along the way as well. I want to want everything God wants
for me. I didn’t used to want to want
it. Yep, only wanted what I thought was
good (broken thinker). I hated the
thought of some of what He wanted and I’ve found there are many things I had no
awareness of that He wants for me. As my
soul receives more wholeness the things He wants for me that I have an
awareness of don’t look the same to me at all.
I don’t have to fully understand to trust. I’m not saying I don’t struggle, because I
certainly do at points. But, it’s a good
struggle and I'm not afraid to struggle anymore, resting in his love. I'm ever hopeful in the process. And I’m learning to want to want what looked un-inviting before. God is an endless treasure and I’m made to
find Him! It’s an exciting and wonder
filled life! He appeared and the soul felt
and found it’s worth. The soul is ever
on that journey.
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