Pain and irritation - path to light and revelation

Have you ever had such a painful experience that you cried your eyes out about it, thinking you may never be able to stop? I've felt that way at times. I've also had my share, recently, of irritation. Thankfully, I'm learning how to see differently in the midst of it. I'm not saying I'm highly accomplished at this yet or that I am free of unusually intense aggravation at times (man it still hurts lots at times). But, I am practicing, with the Holy Spirit's guidance, and hope to walk with eyes that see hidden things all the time and whatever else God wants done with it.

So, when situations are tough and ugly and make you want to smack someone - what do you do? I'm learning that every single moment of pain and irritation is a treasure trove of opportunity. Maybe you're thinking I mean character building - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. While there is a component of that to it - it is not the main focus. The main focus is that people of God were never made to suffer pain and irritation in the way the world does. When we know our hope and life is in Christ - the more we learn the truth about that in relationship with Jesus - the less things of pain and irritation will faze us. Doesn't mean we won't be sad about things or righteously angry at times. But, we will see situations and circumstances very differently - especially from the world. We have "Kingdom Eyes". This means we see that opposite thing that God wants us to live into right in the midst of our pain and irritation. It's actually fail proof! If we use pain and irritation as an indicator (flashing neon sign here!), we can always detect right away what God wants us to have and has given us permission to walk in and practice. I love that!

So, when a situation is making me crazy - I can keep banging my head against a wall in frustration and irritation OR I can embrace that God has peace, joy and creative life giving right there for me! I want all of what God wants me to have - I don't want one drop to be missed! That's what God wants too - lucky me! :D

Getting Over One's Self

Did you know that you can actually get over yourself? Yep, it's true. You can. I'm doing it, bit by bit.

So, OK, somebody is surely saying, "I have no clue what she's talking about". For those of you who have no problems with this - maybe you're lucky and this is not your issue (praise God!). Or, maybe, just maybe - you (like me) are in DENIAL! Either way, here's what I mean by getting over yourself. Do you ever have days where a dark cloud seems to come from a clear blue sky and rain "condemnation" all over you? Do you get into a mental funk at the smallest mess up and it just seems to linger big and foreboding in your mind (playing over and over)? Do you interact with people and even though they're nice and kind, you fear judgement? If any of these things or remotely similar feelings come your way - then you are likely a candidate to get over yourself!

I say this with deepest sympathy and compassion. I come from this place and can relate completely. Early wounds and doubts about self worth are the cause of all this, but, I assuredly tell you that sugar coating it will not help. Worrying about what others think or how one is perceived is a big fear of many people(fear of man), but ultimately (at it's core) this is a "PRIDE" issue. Ewwwwww - I hate that word and boy was it hard to come to terms with THAT! Pride, bane of human existence. Please understand that shunning self-pride in no way negates a person's significance. But, significance is never found in a person in and of themselves. Significance is ONLY found in the person and work of Jesus Christ. If we are in Christ - all that we are is significant. Pride - it's most insidious in my own heart when it leads me to seek significance outside of Christ.

So, what have I learned about this crafty and deceitful thing - Pride? First, I had to come out of denial just a teeny bit to somewhat really see it (I'm sure there's plenty I'm still in denial about). I have learned that I can justify many things and lie to myself to feel better, cope or feel worth (but I really never do ultimately feel better doing those things). I've learned that I hate finding out and seeing that I'm not as good as I'd hoped I was (so much pride there). I'm really bothered to see that the thing I seem to despise most and tolerate least in other people (lying) is something that I do regularly (that ol "one finger pointing at them and three finger's pointing back at me" thing). Real disappointing at first.

But, discovering the truth about me has clearly been a life changing thing - a really freeing process. I am blessed with people in my life who love and accept me just as I am. People I meet with regularly who share their deepest pain are so on track with me when I share mine. Transparency - it's like a deep sigh of relief and breath of fresh air! They never judge me or condemn me. They help to remind me how God sees me. I'm learning that I can let things go. I can be real with me and break, break, break free of self-deception. I'm finding I can receive God's acceptance and approval of me right where I'm at - instead of striving and struggling to fabricate and manufacture my own.

What does getting over myself do for me? I can be authentic and real and not let what people think (or what I think) define who I am to me or anyone! It allows me to live my life with more ease, peace and joy. I can enjoy GRACE much more!

Most importantly, I can live into who God made me. I can be who I am envisioned by God to be, without worry that I'm enough of anything. I'm not enough and never was made on my own to be! God loves those who are humble and know that they are nothing. He resists the proud (false pride counts!- when we know we don't want to seem too prideful, but are secretly joyful that someone noticed us!). God's glory shines where people have no capability or self-confidence, but trust in Him. God-confidence is THE only confidence of any value. All else is wood, hay and stubble. I used to think I was capable and competent, but would stop short of my own known capabilities for fear of failure and condemnation. My own self effort and trust turned out to wreck me and get in the way of me really being myself and allowing God to use me as He wanted to. By trusting in God and having confidence that He is willing and able to do all that He wants to through me - I'm more than a conqueror - I can do all things - I can say to the mountain, "be thou cast into the sea" and the sea will be it's new home. Not for my glory, but for God's glory.

Getting over one's self - it's deeply painful, horribly humiliating, difficult and devastating. It is also the most amazingly liberating, empowering, revelatory, and life changing thing that can ever happen to a human being, next to receiving Christ. In fact, I'd say it's part of receiving Christ in that to receive Him more our sin habit becomes less allowing our real self to shine more - shining Jesus more perfectly as a result.  I am so thankful to be going through this process and look forward to all that God wants to do in and through it.

The Genders

Ah, the never ending controversy. Men and Women or Women and Men. Literally that's it - position. Who's first and who's second. Who has the power and who must submit. I truly have struggled with understanding this and the controversy of it for some time. I'm not a feminist by a long stretch and believe that movement has been, like it's male counterpart (Male Chauvinism), dishonoring and completely out of line. I prefer to honor and accept both men and women for who they are regardless of their gender.

I've been in a dialog with God about this for some time because I've been placed in a church (5 years now) where the "Complementary or Traditional" view is held in regards to women in leadership roles. The irony is that I came from a somewhat "Egalitarian" church background, upbringing and marriage currently that makes me feel as though I'm a duck out of water here.

For those not familiar with these terms here are the Wikipedia definitions:

Complementary or Traditional: the view that men and women have different but complementary biblically-prescribed roles and responsibilities in marriage, family life, religious leadership, and elsewhere. The word ‘'complementary’' and its cognates is used currently to denote a position which says that not only are men and women different, but that those differences mean that women cannot exercise ministry, or some kinds of ministry, within the church. It assigns leadership roles to men and support roles to women, based on the interpretation of certain biblical passages. One of its precepts is that while women may assist in the decision making process, the ultimate authority for the decision is the purview of the male in marriage, courtship, and in the polity of churches subscribing to this view.

Egalitarian: the view that gender equality in Christian church leadership (including pastors) and in Christian marriage is biblically sound. Its theological foundations are interpretations of the teachings and example of Jesus Christ and other New Testament principles. It refers to the biblically-based belief that gender, in and of itself, neither privileges nor curtails a believer’s gifting or calling to any ministry in the church or home. It does not imply that women and men are identical or undifferentiated. Christian Egalitarianism affirms that God designed men and women to complement and benefit one another.

Father God was talking to me about this a few years ago - He told me that men and women who rightly honor and celebrate each other will have His very great blessing and will display the truth of who He is on the Earth. I've completely embraced that, but still keep asking - What does that look like? This week Papa gave me another clue to a better understanding about that.

I was driving down the street and He started talking about paradox. Like so many things the issues surrounding male and female are a paradox. There is a tension that must be embraced in order that the fullness of God and His plan is performed. He said to me, "turf"- someone so interested in their turf and defining or protecting it is not honoring God. He showed me the trinity - each is always more interested in holding up the others and honoring them. There is never any argument in God because all are in agreement that each esteems and highly loves, prefers to submit to and honors the others rightly. If men and women are to truly reflect God rightly - they must follow suit. So, what I envision (and believe me I understand my vision is very limited and needs more growth) men and women look at each other - not to limit or define but to honor and exhort each other to be who they are. And, they need to view each other as individuals. It must be noted that in the range of humans there are wide variances in personality, physicality, ability and calling. To lump all into one or another role because of their gender alone does not honor or recognize the truth of each individual as they are and does not affirm particular callings and giftings. And, as Papa so rightly noted - where both men and women are for each other more than themselves - there will never be a need to defend turf or power.

So, my conclusion is this - when men and women are conformed to Christ to a point where they can each be themselves and and rightly honor, celebrate and interact with each other - then we will see God rightly glorified on the Earth in them.

Looking forward to learning more about that!

Growing Up

Seems I think about growing up a lot lately (see my post on Mark Stibbe's blog in August). I never really perceived that I was still growing up after I became an adult, until some years ago.


Growing up, not just about maturing to a point of acting responsibly or in a reasoned way. Growing up, becoming your real self in Christ. Since I'm designed by God for God, I can only fully be who I am in living relationship with Him (form follows function). Everything else about who I am (how I act toward others, what I believe, what I do or don't and think every day) will evidence the quality and quantity of that relationship.


Romans 10:3
Since they did not know the righteousness that comes from God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness.


Corinthians 5:21
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.


Hebrews 12:11
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.


Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.


Ezekiel 47:12
Fruit trees of all kinds will grow on both banks of the river. Their leaves will not wither, nor will their fruit fail. Every month they will bear, because the water from the sanctuary flows to them. Their fruit will serve for food and their leaves for healing."


Growing up is that process where I come more and more into line with God's truth, thoughts and heart. I think like he does, do what he does and it becomes like breathing - no longer a purposed behavioral drive to achieve perfection or struggle to remember or striving to meet a standard - just a natural outflow of right design and functional being. It's so crazy making at times because I've been so conditioned by deception (the things I think I know resulting from wrong perceptions of things that happened to me). I act out of lies. Even knowing this, I'm still silly enough at times to rely upon and act from my flawed understanding. How do I do that? Denial - how I've hated that word! How I've learned I'm still in it in many ways (things I don't know that I don't know or may still have fear of admitting). Sometimes I see it, sometimes I don't. Grace - thankful for a complete covering of God's grace in it.


It has been so good (though very painful at times) when I come to grips with this process, even in the struggles of it. Now hard things make me very hopeful - I know something really good is on the other side of a painful thing I'm enduring. I've been a prisoner to so many lies for years. Afraid I'm: worthless, condemned and alone. These lies are loosening and falling away through willingness for Jesus' touch and His relentless love pursuit.


Romans 7:21-25
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.


Romans 8:1-8
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature,God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.And so he condemned sin in sinful man,in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so.


Authentic selves are not the product of a moment. They are the product of a lifetime of moments - some painfully crushing, some delightfully uplifting - all ultimately glorious in the hands and heart of our AMAZING God!


The process of submission/abandonment of self to God = Growing Up.

More About Feelings

I typically do not write in my blog more than once in a day - but today is an exception.

I wrote on Feelings in July and am prompted to write about them again today. I'm off work sick this week and while the drugs I'm taking help a little with the pain, they also make me a bit dopey - so no driving and definitely no working. Of course I'm leaving myself open to ridicule by this admission, since I'm writing in this condition - I'll leave it to the reader to decide if the drugs have in any way "skewed" my view.

This week 2 of my friends have lost beloved people in their lives. Both of them have been loathe to feel their feelings about it. One friend was struggling and seemed relieved that she had a home project that would keep her busy. She was crying and feeling so sad at the loss of a close friend. The other friend, who lost his dad, was putting a brave face of denial on it by being so up that his dad knew Jesus that he completely pushed out any room for the sorrow of losing him. I often wonder why people push down or resent their feelings. Of course, I'm one to talk, I myself have trouble with them. When someone hurts me, it's the first thing I want to do - get away from those bad feelings. But, I've found I'm not good at pushing my feelings down and ignoring them. They are just always up in my face waving about. Maybe that's a blessing. It means I just have to face them and deal with them, even when I don't like it. I'm not always good at dealing with them - but I do try now more to find out what's behind them.

I have a few friends who have sort of trained themselves from very young ages to try to sort of reject their feelings. Press them down, pretend they're not there, pretend they don't hurt. While at least one of my friends noted above acknowledged that she had these feelings - so many take this "ignore it" approach. I think they may do it because it makes them feel in control or perhaps they worry if they acknowledge feeling and examine them they will be out of control and overwhelmed. I know many who have had wounding - issues in childhood - who have grown up making vows about their feelings. And, even go as far as making vows about ever needing anything or anyone. I love these friends dearly. I know that each of them is on a walk with Jesus and He's showing them that it's safe for them to explore things with Him and to trust Him. He's so good at it. He never ever fails or tires or is discouraged. He is always confident and hopeful. I love that Jesus feels feelings - He never shys away from them. He wept at Lazarus' tomb right before He raised him from the dead. He looked at the rich young man with love. He is joyful - we share that together a lot!!

Feelings - I just think they have a particular role to play in the completeness of who we are and the depth of our experience. While they are not gods to be worshipped, nor are they the plague to be avoided. They just are - they're real and there's usually something behind them.

Thoughts on Mark Stibbe's "Working from Rest"

I read Mark Stibbe's blog this week about "Working from Rest". I enjoyed meeting Mark in person last year in Norway. He has such a Father's heart gifting. Guess that's why Father's House Trust (Mark's organization) just flows with that theme and purpose.

Looking at Mark's blog Wed, Aug 18, 2010 - It so resonated with me. I've been walking out a season in my life where I'm learning to work from rest. God's been yanking all of the things out from under me that I thought I needed in order to be - a good person, a good wife, a good worker, a good parent, a good friend, a good anything you can think of. All of my working is just so much "stuff and nonsense". Not that others haven't felt some benefit and I myself have not felt some benefit at times from it. That's been part of the deeply wicked deception. Thinking that because some good may come of it that it must be good. Ultimately, good is never the same thing as the best. Good is the enemy of best (recurring theme in my blog - see April 2010). God does not need my working away for anything at all. There is nothing I could ever do for God that He needs in any way or that would make me more lovable or worthy or valuable to Him. God needs me to be who He made me. He made me for Himself. I can't use me for myself and my goals and ever really be my best. It is hard to come to terms with giving up yourself and your wishes and the things you think will bring you most satisfaction in life. But, I'm finding that when I do (I'm always envisioning a gentle tugging of those things by Jesus and I'm holding on to them for dear life, but let them slowly slip out of my hands) Jesus has something else that He gives me that is so much better than the pathetic self things I thought I needed. At that point I'm always amazed that I had to hang on so tenaciously when what I received was so much better. I seem to learn this every time and yet can't get to the point with each new thing where I want to throw those things into Jesus' hands and not wait or hold on to them. Jesus knows and He's so patient in working with me. Grace - learning more about grace in this.

So, resting - wow, what a concept. Resting in my Lord and doing everything from that place of deep rest. I'm still learning what that looks like, but I'm seeing I need to release things. Release knowing. Release having answers. Release catching every falling thing. Release into His hands all things: tension, anxiety, fear, self preservation, need to be heard, need to be right, need to work. I love that when I do release, God is always there so big and so reliable. He's bringing me along and growing me up in this.

Resting in Jesus' finished work on the cross - trusting that His death canceled the curse of the Fall ("Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."). Living into the new life that Jesus' accomplished work has obtained for us. I love what Mark says:


Soaking in this - looking forward to living it more.

Toiling for a living and resting from work are the toxic results of the Fall. They were not the Father’s original plan for human beings.

How then are we to get back to a place of rest? The answer is through Jesus. Thanks to what Jesus did on the Cross, the effects of the Fall have been reversed. The need to earn love through performance has been nailed to the Cross. Now we don’t have to strive to earn the Father’s love through works. We simply have to put our trust in the finished work of the Cross and rest and soak in the Father’s love and amazing grace. By the Spirit of God we can experience times of refreshing from the presence of the Lord and enjoy the precious gift of rest. We can dial down every day and work from rest, knowing that he loves us, he likes us and is especially fond of us because of who we are not because of what we do. We can renounce the performance mindset and rest in our position in Christ. We can, in short, live as sons and daughters rather than orphans and slaves.

As many of us begin to embark on a summer break during the month of August we can learn once again to embrace the Sabbath spirituality of the sons and daughters of God. We can learn to enjoy the rest that comes from the perfect Father’s love. We can realign our priorities once again.

Holidays are a great opportunity to unlearn some bad habits (resting from work) and to relearn some good habits (working from rest). We were not created to wrestle but to nestle. May our Father give us the great gift of rest this summer. So let all striving cease and let the spirit of slavery leave our lives and the Spirit of sonship take its place.

Self Discovery and Disclosure

I've always known that we cut ourselves more slack than we do others. But, I ran up into MY shortcomings with this recently and it was ugly and yet what came of it was beautiful. When I admitted that I lie to myself and give me a pass while being angry and self righteous with others who lie to me - that was a hard hard thing to admit to myself and I was terribly convicted on it. But, when God told me to share it publicly with some others - whoa, I was really nervous. I said, "No, you can't want me to do this". Of course, I knew that He did. And, I did it. It was very strange. The people I thought would look at me in disgust, didn't. There is nothing more amazing than to be freed of something.

I understand that my hiding or lying is about fear. And, in others when they do it - it is also about fear. We can relate - I can be compassionate about their shortcomings because I have the same ones. I don't have to judge, but can pray for them to understand. I pray for me to understand too.

This also brought back to me that the things we hate in ourselves and have trouble giving to God for change are the same things that seem to bother us in others most.

The things God is teaching me and growing me up in - they're never easy, but always good.