So, shame - how interesting that Brené should have spent so much time studying it and then trying to head away from it. Well, this year, she came full circle back to it (You gotta dance with the one who brung ya!). You can see her talk on TED this year, just google her and it's on her website. Some basics: Guilt = I did something bad. I'm sorry I made a mistake. Shame = I am bad. I am a mistake.
Two things really stood out to me in Brené's talk on shame. One - she interviewed men and women about shame and though the feelings associated with it were the same for both she found it is organized by gender. For women it comes out as: do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. She describes it as a web of unattainable conflicting competing expectations about who we are supposed to be - which is a straight jacket. For men it comes out as only one thing: do not be perceived as weak. It is another straight jacket. These explanations immediately resonated as Skip's study of Genesis came bounding back into my mind. In Skip's study the very thing the woman was vulnerable to was how the serpent deceived her. She thought the fruit would somehow enhance her - make her better able to do it all, do it perfectly and never sweat a drop. She never realized she already had everything she needed. The man was vulnerable in that he did not remember or did not speak out what God had said and then did not want to be perceived as weak, as his blaming God and the woman point to. He never realized he could have forgiven himself and the woman. Brené talked about how shame is responsible for addictions and is epidemic in our culture. She said the North American cultural norm women strive for is: Nice, thin, modest, and uses all available resources for appearance. The North American cultural norm men strive for is: Emotional control, work 1st, pursue status, and violence. Hmmmm...see any similarities? This speaks volumes. I was amazed at the tie in between Skip and Brené's study materials - like a hand in glove!
Shame - my friend and teaching pastor, Robert Walter speaks on it and he says, "What's interesting is that shame is absent in paradise before the Fall and is the defining characteristic of hell (Daniel 12:2). There are 2x as many references to shame in the Bible as guilt." Amazing revelation wrapped up in that short statement. So, until we ate the fruit of "we'll take control"- shame was absent. Shame is THE defining characteristic of hell - which is the one place individuals have placed themselves by continuing to embrace their own control which rejects God. And there are twice as many references to shame as there are guilt in the Bible - hmmmmm...is God trying to get our attention? So shame is the twisting of self, bent without God. We are made for God - designed for oneness with Him. Anything we do with ourselves outside of that design = shame/bent. Kinda makes me want to keep knowing God at whole new levels!
The second thing Brené talked about that impacted me was on vulnerability. She said it is our most accurate measure of courage. And vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. I agree with her. Her talk in essence was about remaining courageous in being vulnerable - risking everything (even failing) to Dare Greatly, because it's worth doing! And, it is!! Being authentic with one another, that takes real guts. Heaven knows we can't do it all, do it perfectly and never sweat and that we fail in never being perceived as weak. We are fighting the gremlins who say, "Things happened to you growing up, you aren't smart enough, pretty enough, never good enough and who do you think you are?" And 99% of the time - those gremlins are us! This is the truth. Brené and Skip both talk about being willing to sit with one another, find our way back to one another through this process and realize how shame causes us to look at one another. Yes, it's uncomfortable, but it needs to be embraced. She said empathy is the antidote to shame. Where secrecy, silence and judgement empower shame - empathy (me too) cures it! I see this at work in Celebrate Recovery - when I dare greatly to be myself and take off the mask of perfectionism - others love and accept me right there and all the dreaded shame evaporates and I'm living wholeheartedly! I want more of that and I'm not gonna stop! I think lots of people really do too. Heaven knows we and our world need it!
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