He Appeared

Drawing by Jean Keaton

Our pastors have been going through some of the Christmas Carols this year, teaching us their background and meanings from the scriptures. Last Sunday I was sick but caught our pastor online talking about, “O Holy Night”. When he came to “til he appeared and the soul felt its worth” it resonated for me.  He noted how we often do not feel God’s love or our worth to Him.

It reminded me of something that happened earlier this year to me. I have come to understand that my soul has a lot of lies that were planted in it from ages where I really had no ability to reason or understand. I’ve harbored and even nurtured many of them without realizing it. Now that I’m more aware, when I detect there are lies present, I want to uncover them and see what Jesus is holding there for me instead. Earlier this year I found a whopper. I was meeting with a group of people who were telling me various things, all good with good intentions, and I was listening and asking questions, trying to gain a more complete understanding. At one point in our discussions I shared some things from my heart with them; however, this particular group did not really grasp some of what I was saying. I could tell by what they noted in return that they missed a core piece of information and though I tried various means and different illustrations, they seemed intent to fix firmly on their interpretation of what I was saying. They seemed to show no interest in listening to me to understand what I was telling them. In those moments, I had this overwhelming feeling of being completely alone, abandoned, voiceless and pretty much helpless to do anything about it for myself.

 

A little later that day I was meeting up with friend on an errand.  Since it was fresh in my mind and she noted she had time – she kindly agreed to help me process these feelings that had come up.  So, I felt as though no matter what I said or how I said it, I was not being heard in any real way. My friend asked me if there was any time I’d felt this same way before in my life.  I had occasions when I was older where this had happened, but my earliest connection to it came in an impression I had from when I was very young.  I described to her being a little one standing in a baby bed in a room and crying and crying, but no one ever came. I was looking for my mama, but she never came. It was a long time, seemed unending, and no person looked in on me. The door was open to the room I was in, but I could not hear or see any other person in the house. My friend asked me what I believed about me right there in that baby bed alone, no one coming or around. I said, “I cannot be heard and I don’t matter”. So, she asked me if I wanted to know where Jesus was when I was there and to ask him if it was true, that I cannot be heard and I don’t matter.  I said yes. I tentatively questioned, really hurting and fearful, “Jesus is it true no one can hear me and I don’t matter?” As I was sitting in that place of deep pain and loneliness as a little child I had the impression settle on me of Jesus there holding me and cuddling me and lovingly rocking me in the midst of my abandonment. A strong sense of safety and security as well as a feeling of being deeply treasured, loved, holding significance and being a source of delight all came flooding over me from Jesus.  What a powerful moment of reality.  He was always there with me. His holding me in that moment broke lies off of my soul and gave me a more complete sense of assurance that I matter to Him.  I had known for many years that I matter to him.  I know and trust that He died to free me of sin on the cross and rose to new life so I could walk with God in this new life.  But, does Jesus take the time and trouble to apply the truth of his cross acutely and accurately to the hearts of little babies that lie within long since grown up women and men?   Does he stop to value, love and care for a baby whose only translation of the gospel writings would be in this wordless form?   I assure you, Jesus cares about and daily tends to these details meticulously, wonderfully and with great joy.  He does not always do it in the same way as he did on this day. Sometimes there are things I've needed to work through, to forgive others or repent of things I have done wrong before I am able to receive what He has for me. But these things are not just trivial niceties or wistful little wishing’s – they are core alignments.

There was a part of my heart that did not know this aspect of His truth and it prevented a fullness of receiving from Him.  At that moment I realized His truth in a deeper more full way that freed me of a lie.  And, even though that room was still empty of other people and no other person ever came when I cried Jesus was there.  He was present and attentive to my need to be loved in the way a child needs to be loved and cared for.  I spent some time there with Jesus and that was really good – I still go back there to savor his goodness and He’s always there for me.  As I say, over the years I’d come to know that Jesus is always with me - first through learning and reading it in the bible.  And then, I’ve also had many adventures with him where he’s shown me he is with me.  He is my lifelong best friend as well as the awe striking pure and holy Lamb of God.  Every day we share conversation and interaction.  Sometimes he’ll point me to his word and give me impressions about an aspect of it or I’ll read him some portions out loud and sit with him resting in them.  Sometimes we’re walking or I’m somewhere and He’ll show me a person or people and he’ll point out something he wants for them and I’ll give it to them from Him or pray for them, if that’s what He wants.  Sometimes He takes me into the Kingdom room and we look at the maps and plans with their various brilliantly unfolding designs and details.  Sometimes he’s just really fun and seriously funny. No one has a more outstanding sense of humor or better timing than Jesus.  He simply is the best.  I spend time on my face exalting and adoring him, awe struck by His holiness and undone by the greatness of His majestic presence – reverence, terror and deep thankfulness all mixed together. But, when I was a little child I did not know him in these ways.  When he showed me that even then, when I was too young to help myself or do anything and had no personal relational abilities with him, he took care of it all and still does.  He is deeply vested in our relationship and was before I ever had any awareness or ability to respond. He is my loving mother and father, tending to all my needs and thrilled and delighted to do so. And he is relentless in holding and tending to my wounded heart and soul and teaching it His truth as he grows me out through and past those woundings to represent him uniquely in the way He crafted me to.  He respects the personhood he gave me – so the areas of work where he invites my participation I get to choose if I will or not.  He never overrides, but, is ever the framework of life upon which I stand.  When I willingly give my personhood back to him that’s when it always becomes more amazing and what it should be.  When that little me experienced him there - the intensity of the feelings that had gripped me of abandonment, helplessness and voicelessness went away and were replaced with deep significance, peace, joy and delight.  He released the “hostage hold” in that portion of my soul of a misperception I had about who He really is and who I am to Him that I had no awareness of.  That’s part of “soul work” with fear and trembling. 

It is important to live my life in accord with God’s truth as best as I have apprehended it in my heart - regardless of feelings.  And, I must be diligent in ever learning His truth in his word and walking with him to apply it daily to my life.  His grace both empowers and covers me right where I’m at.  And, it’s important for me to grasp the true role feelings play and where they afford me awareness, with God, to press in to the fullness of the truth of His word.  It’s funny – God cares about feelings just as he cares about all aspects of his creation.  He created them powerful and beautiful things.  He has feelings and is never ashamed or avoidant of having them.  He certainly is never materially or spiritually stronger or weaker because of them – but is rich and whole in the fullness of them.  His masterful display of pure and holy feelings is radiantly glorious and terrifying.  God is no stoic.  He took full vent of every righteous bit of anger and wrath out upon Jesus. He also poured out the full measure of deepest relational love and glory upon his son, in whom he is well pleased and fully vested. Stoicism is a system of protection that humans invented to manage feelings.  Kingdom people are joyful as they intentionally more deeply embrace the heart of their Father while shedding all other forms of protection. If we’re being made in Christ’s image we will be our true self and pure and holy feelings will be a mere outflow of that transformation.  Feelings, a great gift God has given to fully savor life and a stellar built-in set of indicators. They always point out when and where something is going on in me when they come up.  Like a campfire of green wood, they leave a trail of smoke to follow to the source of where they are coming from.  I don’t mistake truth for feelings, but, I also don’t ignore the opportunity they present for me to apprehend God's truth in a deeper way.  I use them to discover.  I’m always thankful to partner when God invites me to realign to His truth in my heart.  It is not an easy process, but it is always good.  I love learning new levels of joy in the midst too!  And, I love helping my friends and family along the way as well.  I want to want everything God wants for me.  I didn’t used to want to want it.  Yep, only wanted what I thought was good (broken thinker).  I hated the thought of some of what He wanted and I’ve found there are many things I had no awareness of that He wants for me.  As my soul receives more wholeness the things He wants for me that I have an awareness of don’t look the same to me at all.  I don’t have to fully understand to trust.  I’m not saying I don’t struggle, because I certainly do at points.  But, it’s a good struggle and I'm not afraid to struggle anymore, resting in his love.  I'm ever hopeful in the process.  And I’m learning to want to want what looked un-inviting before.  God is an endless treasure and I’m made to find Him!  It’s an exciting and wonder filled life!   He appeared and the soul felt and found it’s worth.  The soul is ever on that journey.

The Family of God

Jesus, your name is light and life. There are so many things I love about you and things I am grateful for in you.  It’s a never ending adventure – discovering new facets of who you are.

One of the facets I’ve been sitting with and admiring this year is the family of God.  Remembering that you, God, in the gift of Jesus, did everything so that we can not only be free of sin, free of death and forever alive (all of those things in and of themselves is outrageous, generous, and beyond words to thank you for).  But you, God, did not stop there.  Ever the abundant, life giving, love incarnate, brilliant one – you, incredibly bring us to, in Jesus, the family of God. We cannot begin to understand this.  Save us – we start to fathom your mercy and pity on us, free us - we can begin to understand your gracious kindness in this, but make us your family?  We are at odds with this. Why?  What would make you open your very self, your heart, your perfectly peaceful, loving and joyful family life and household to a rebellious, wrecked and ruinous heap of humanity? This is the unbelievable truth of you.  You already saw, beyond the wreckage – who you made each of us and all of us as a whole to be in you.  Our wretched state never changed your vision of who we are in you or your ability to bring about what you have always intended.

 

Your family, brilliant, amazing, glorious – it could only ever be that!  You, in what has yet be fully unveiled, established us in your very self.  In you, we could not be other than family to you.  We become the glory of your heart, not by our efforts, or anything within us – but by YOU!  And, it’s not enough that you overcame the enemy of our souls and saved us, but you made us overcomers in you as well.  Children not just in name but transformed in our very DNA . We are unpacking all along our lives what it means to come more and more into alignment with you and live your life out, expanding your Kingdom.

Thank you God, that in the seemingly impossible and small beginnings of Jesus’ life on earth through Mary and Joseph – that you remind us again, family, it’s everything you ever wanted for us – in you. And you bring impossible things (making us the beloved) in and through our relationship with you. It’s everything our true hearts long and were made for.

The Big Fish Motel

Jonah – something about Jonah really resonates for me.  We were going through it again at church. I’ve read the story many times. This time what stood out to me were some things that had not before.

Never thought of it before, but, did you notice that it was 3 days for Jonah inside the fish and a 3 day walk through Nineveh?  Coincidence?  I think not.   Jonah was subjected to three days in the stomach of a fish - pretty much trapped and wrapped in death (smelly, digestive juices [acids and enzymes] all round him.  Air – not much of that, so breathing is limited and very difficult.  And it’s dark, very dark) – this environment does not sustain life nor is it comfy.  No wonder he went straight to praying!  The great fish is similar to the great city of Nineveh – this city swallows you up whole and digests you slowly and painfully into darkness.   God actually allowed Jonah to experience the effects of the city inside of the fish.  He could not have missed the comparison.  You’d think it would have given him a little compassion for the trapped people wrapped in the death that was Nineveh.  Sadly, his stay at the fish motel only helped to grudgingly motivate him (upon God’s 2^nd urging) to announce judgement on Nineveh. 

And, isn’t it interesting how the story sort of made Jonah look sort of, well, like a liar (even though he wasn’t)?  Maybe this was part of what irritated Jonah even more!  Prophets of his day were severely judged (it was a death sentence if your prophesy did not come to pass).  Jonah was not stoned based on his prophesy not coming to pass.  God said to tell Nineveh of His decision to judge it for it’s wickedness.  And, Jonah tells them – “40 days to God’s judgement of Nineveh!”.  He didn’t say to Nineveh, “God’s planning to judge you – but, here’s a tip, possibly if you sincerely repent and turn from your ways – He may change His mind”.  Nope – he gives them bupkis (nothing).  It’s apparent he does not want the slightest chance of repentance because He already suspects that God will change His mind if they do!  So, he doesn’t mention or encourage it.  Interesting how the pagans actually knew what Jonah himself knew – that God may be moved to change His mind about what He was planning to do if they sincerely repented!  Isn’t that funny?!  Pagans actually believed a Jewish (enemy) prophet, took his message to heart - AND made hasty repentance!  Even the animals were put in sackcloth – these people seriously turned it around!  They actually believed that if they repented that maybe, long shot, but maybe – God would see their sincere turn around and spare them.  I find it really interesting that these people saw that.

Last, we come to Jonah’s despair about God sparing Nineveh.   I can relate to Jonah.  I have had moments where very nasty people have caused me to wish them to truly receive the full fruit of wrath that their choices dictate.  But, God has been so very kind and patient with me.  He has shown me - me.   Yeah, not the nice me I wish I were.  But, the me, who, without His intervention would be doomed.   It is deeply troubling to see your real self.  But, when you see the nasty in you, it gives you compassion for others.   God took care of that nasty me – He nailed it with Jesus to the cross to die.  It is dead and finished.  But, it does not mean that I don’t still struggle with the old dead remnant of habits that I have.  Those habits are my constant reminder to have compassion.  God is always gracious in showing me I can give them up and hand them over to Him.   And I can pray the same for everyone else weighed down with nasty. 

It was no coincidence that at the time I was going through this study on Jonah a pastor that my husband and I listen to every day on radio was going through the Matthew 18 parable that Jesus told about the unmerciful servant.  It starts where Peter asks Jesus – “How many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?” Peter asks – “Up to 7 times?” – this was the rabbinic practice.  Jesus answers Peter –“ No, not 7 times, but seventy seven times” (or seventy times seven = indefinitely).  Forgiveness is not limited.  Then he told the parable.  He compared the Kingdom of heaven to a King who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.  A man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold (a sum not payable in a thousand life times by this man) was brought before him.  He ordered that the man, his wife, children and all that he had be sold to pay toward the debt.  The servant fell on his knees and begged the King to be patient with him, telling him he would pay him everything (which he knew he never would be able to do). The King took pity on him and cancelled his debt and let him go.  That same servant on leaving the King ran into a fellow servant who owed him 100 silver coins (a large sum, but it could have been paid back).  He began to choke the fellow servant and demand payment.  The fellow servant fell on his knees and begged his fellow servant to be patient telling him that he would repay the debt.  But, the man ran off and had his fellow servant thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.  The King’s servants heard of this and were outraged and told the King what this servant had done.  The King had this servant brought before him – “You wicked servant!  I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?”  He had him thrown into prison and tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

The points the pastor made about this were very convicting to me and that joined with my Jonah study made me really take notice.  First – the servant who owed what he could never repay did not value what the King did for him. Ouch - that hurts. This makes forgiveness not just something we hope we can eventually do someday.  It is an indication that we have received God’s gift in Jesus to us.  Also, the witness that we have before all the world is wrapped up in this very thing.  That extending outrageous lavish and unwarranted forgiveness to all others is a hallmark that we have received it and are Kingdom people. Jesus is so worth it.  No stayin at The Big Fish Motel!

Humble

I hear people talking a lot about humility and being humble.  People talk about the importance of it and how we all should strive to be humble, but, how to go about being authentically humble – that is not a topic I’ve heard spoken on in those moments where people are stressing the importance of it.

I’m not an expert, but, the whole idea of somehow trying to be humble really smacks disingenuous to me.  I say this sincerely as someone who has been diligently seeking.  And, OH – I was an avid Do-er!  I knew well how to DO, but, not really how to BE.  I was very good at hiding behind “pleaser” wrapping paper. 

Pride is the opposite of humility.  And pride is typically wrapped up in fear.  One place I can shed fear and pride in real ways is in Celebrate Recovery.  It’s a Christ centered 12 step safe place where I’m accepted and can fellowship with others on the same journey I am – growing together in Christ.  I have a long way to go, but, the freedom I’ve received through being real about my failings and flaws, coming face to face with the ugly places in me have brought real authentic moments that have been so wonderful.  And the rest and peace I’ve received from knowing God loves me and was never disillusioned in me from the start – that helps me to live from that real place more and more outside of CR!  That is transformational.  While very painful at times, this process with others and Jesus has been so good and encouraging.  Redemptive pain, I want to go toward it more than ever before, not run from it.  Embracing what I fear is humiliating but is really about just being real brings humility in real ways.

I don’t know how to manufacture humility on my own.  I really don’t think the true article is possible in and of me.  But, along with shedding pride and fear in CR there is another place where something close to what I believe must be part of humility just naturally occurs.  It’s when I spend time with my heavenly Papa, focusing on Him for Him.  Talking to Him, worshipping, listening, reading over His word – these are times I lose all thought about me.  When I’m exposed to Jesus’ magnificence – His greatness – WOW – my mind is never on me in those moments.  Funny how that works!  I seem to think this must be the most authentic form of humility, being mindful more and more of God’s great goodness, presence and the truth of who He really is.   Awe of God’s greatness, it helps me live in a real way, knowing He is worthy and so big and that I don’t have to try to do anything in order to find meaning or worth.  I love Him so dearly and am learning to more and more love Him by receiving His great love for me in my heart.

Humility – doesn’t seem like it should be anything about trying harder to look humble or putting myself down overtly to others.  Just seems a natural outflow of getting real about me and God.

Merger

Just WOW.

My brain is spinning and my spirit is peaceful and buoyant all at the same time – what an interesting sensation! I don’t think I’ve ever been on this ground before or had an experience quite like this – a whole new territory is open and new exciting treasure is ready to be found!  Yahoo! Though I’ve been sitting with Papa on the topic of “mergers” since 2008, what He revealed tonight was amazing! 

Smart management always enters a merger with good leadership. This includes a well thought out vision and plan as well as developing and working along-side brilliant team leaders who understand and embrace that vision and plan. AND,< KEY POINT HERE> team leaders become consummate at articulating and demonstrating this to the rest of the team as well as encouraging, empowering and releasing them to understand it and move into alignment with it.  They are also agile and adept at precipitating glitches and urgent things on the fly, as they come up, and realigning all along the way!

I’m actually in the midst of many (merger) situations myself (funny huh!) and there are lots of aspects that are sensitive and important.  The following are some things right now that stand out big and grab my attention:

·      1. When you are merging two very different entities into one it's important to maintain focus on the new identity and it's benefits.  Do not indulge contemptuous and/or patronizing attitudes toward either entity as a result of operational differences or understandings (no matter how much the differences cause fear and anxiety).  Whether or not something is working or not working, smart or ridiculous, an attitude of arrogance or devaluing is always, always, always  going to move things in the wrong direction.  Whether or not you actually voice this heart attitude to someone or not – they see it!  Instead, learn to develop and embrace a shared vision.  Hey, you are going to be together here a long time.  Intentionally lean into a culture of engagement. Really see and appreciate each other's true areas of gifting and potential and sincerely convey it.  But more - learn to understand that you need each other, because - you do! Learn to walk respectfully through difficult and sticky areas and agree that while you may disagree, you will not disengage or resort to subterfuge or undermining one another.  Relationship is huge here.  And, believe for the very best - remain hopeful and act in alignment with the potential (negativity is very draining, for everyone).

Really important note about this – the only person you can really do anything about in regards to attitude is YOU and that is truly enough for any person to manage.  Don't "story write" about other people's intentions or motives. Be relentless in examining your own heart, motives, attitudes and actions.  And be intentional to root out negative unproductive ones and replace them with the right ones.  You actually GET TO walk out goodness, graciousness, mercy and kindness and an over the top hopefullness here.  And give grace to yourself and others in this process.  THIS MATTERS. Lip service is a fail here and THIS IS A TEST!  One note - God keeps giving you the test until you pass. ;)

·       2. This is going to be messy!  Yes, just get over it – nothing about this will be tidy. Change – it is typically dreaded and ever the constant.  Even in the best case scenarios, where everyone is positive and moving through implementation of a vision/plan that’s well conveyed and unfolded.  It’s the nature of change to be a challenge to old and new alike and there is always something that will need to be adjusted along the way.  It’s going to be this way.   It does not mean that messy = fail.  Or, even that some failure along the way = ultimate debacle and obliteration.  It’s just the nature of this process.  It's good and important to be willing to engage, stay classy and connected through messiness!  And if you are really extra smart you will use it to see what it is that comes up inside of YOU in the process and see it as opportunity!

·       3. There is going to be hard work involved.  Yep, it’s a given.  Changes always involve lots of work.  And it can be very intense and sometimes seemingly all at once.  Do your best, but, don’t try to be superman or wonder woman (burn out is sure to happen with this mentality). Plan out and move in alignment with the plan and be thoughtful, communicate good boundaries and be willing to make adjustments along the way.  Get good rest, take care of your health, take breaks, make time for fun and celebrate successes and milestones all along the way! Keep focused on the vision and goal – it’s a place we’ve never been before and it’s exciting and full of promise and potential!  Remember, this momentary push is not forever and things will not always be this way. Find the joy in who God is in every moment – even and may I say, ESPECIALLY the hard ones (God is particularly radiant in less than easy circumstances)!

Sheesh!  I see an unlimited sea of possibilities here!  I'm still pondering it. Merger – it does not have to be a cause for fear. And hey, do you see it?!  It's an unbelievably exciting future on the horizon ahead! There is a radiant identity emerging.  Let's MERGE with EXCELLENCE!  Gosh, that unity sound, it is just BOOMING!

The Wave

A vision had come to me some time back. I was reminded of it again recently. I don’t get visions very often, but try to note the details of them when I do.  I was on the beach, typical sunny day, looking out to sea and all of a sudden a huge wall of water forms and is moving at great speed toward the shore.  At first I have a little start of panic about it.  And then, I’m more interested in how it looks than how devastating it is.  It’s getting closer to shore and I’m not doing anything but looking at it.  It is hundreds of stories high – just a solid looking wall moving toward me.  I’m alone on the beach just staring at this tsunami wave as it’s almost up to the shore. 

Next, I am all of a sudden on top of this wave and it’s frozen. It’s still liquid, but it’s suspended as a liquid wall of water at the shore.  Jesus is standing on top of the wave with me and I am rather awkwardly at his side with my feet straight out behind me his arm round my waist and my hands and arms out straight ahead of me flailing about –almost like I’m swimming suspended in air by his arm around me, only I’m anything but swimming.  I am flopping around quite vigorously.  Jesus is remaining still, almost like a statue, but I can feel him breathing and he’s alive and holding me gently, but firmly.   Finally, as I’m sensing His holding me gently and that I’m not hurt or falling I settle down and begin to stop flailing and at last I come to rest standing right beside Him, His arm still around me, but no longer suspending me up.  I’m just comfortably standing with Him on the top of the wave and I am able to see for miles and miles with Him, standing there.

Next, I’m standing on the beach shore again.  Jesus is there and we are looking out to sea.  The wave is gone, the sea is calm and the day is again sunny.  All of a sudden, Jesus turns to me and as He does half of him is plunged into storm and rain, hair soaked with water and rain drops running down his face and arm on one side , while the other half is sun soaked and a light breeze is blowing His hair off of his face.  He says to me, “Not everything is as it appears”.  Then, he hands me a little seashell.  It is whole, white and still shut with a clam or something inside it.  The outside has very fine ridges on it.  I open it and inside is a single large pearl.  That is the end of the vision.

To me, this vision represents application to both personal things and world things. 

For me personally, there has been a period of time I have worked with someone who is very challenging and initially I was at a loss as to how to function around them with the negativity, yelling, shaming and contempt.  It felt the person was out of control and the situation was very unsafe.  This left me flailing for safety.  Until, I remembered Jesus had a hold of me.  As I felt His presence and recognized He held me and was my defender in the situation I no longer felt the need to flail or protect myself.  I stood up and though still held by Jesus, I was no longer flopping around or unsure as to how to proceed.  It turned out that this was boot camp for me and I learned how to stand beside Jesus in His mighty shadow, protected and cared for – no matter the tsunami – He took me to the top, which is what happened.  I’m still going through my “tsunami” moments, at times.  But now I look to Jesus for peace and rest and protection. He is my strong tower and very great reward.

The world is indeed in the midst of just the sight of the tsunami wave!  It is of gargantuan size and scope.  The world feels the momentum power and sees the destructive potential in the wave’s appearance and they know its coming at them with devastation.   They believe they are prepared, but they are very unprepared.  Only Jesus preserves in the midst of this wave and those who know and see Him in this time will shine to those who don’t know Him in this time.  This wave is a life shifting change that no one is prepared for.  God, in His amazing goodness, is actually pouring out in the midst of this wave such an experience, encounter, personal manifestation of His presence, in a way as never before to His people. People will literally be pinching themselves to see if they are awake or not. Jesus will hold fast His people in the midst and pour out life through them!

The vision of Jesus on the beach in storm and sunshine – this speaks to me of not allowing the appearance of things to distract you from really seeing and experiencing Jesus there. I'll  also add that we generally look at things and see something and take away a perception and what we believe will be the outcome of it.  That perception may not be what is really happening or what will turn out to happen at all.  In fact I've been surprised on many counts to see that there were other things at work that I was completely unaware of and things turned out far different than I could have ever envisioned.

The shell and pearl are the most personal to me.  My name is December because I was born December 7^th – which is Pearl Harbor Day.  My Grandmother wanted my parents to name me Pearl, but, my mother did not like the idea of me being named after something so tragic.  My mother and grandmother are both named Marguerite and the family hoped I may also be named Marguerite, but, many in our family are named Marge, so, my mother did not want any more confusion with the “Marges” in the family.   The irony is that Marguerite is French for Pearl!   Though I’m not named pearl, it is a symbol in my life.  What it represents is something beautiful forming through difficulty.  The world will see those coming through trials in Jesus in their glory and will be drawn to Him. He will be famous as a result!  The deepest beauty and wonder of Jesus is authentically formed only through great trial and difficulty. We walk in the glory of that when we embrace seeing God in the midst. 

Bag-O-Rama

It was afternoon coming back on the trail and just round the tree covered hill, our camp came into view.  Wincing with embarrassment, right there where we left them, the logs surrounding our site were still strewn with our sleeping bags and pajamas drying in the sun. It rankled how sloppy and unkempt they made our camp look. No one else had laid out their things to dry.  No, all the other troops had neat and tidy camps.  No sign of wet things!  We endured looks from the girls in the other troops that ranged from pity to delighted scorn. 

Rivers of rain had run through our pup tents as an unexpected torrential storm swept over the Jamboree gathering in the early morning hours.  We’d toughed it out and truthfully, we weren’t cold even though we were soaked through.  By sunrise the next morning, when Mr. and Mrs. Hedges insisted we pull out our sopping bags and PJ’s to dry – we protested LOUDLY!  “Today is the camp inspection!  If we lay out our things to dry we’ll never win the Jamboree Troop award ribbon!”  Our very British leaders brooked no disagreement, their faces set like flint against our begging.  And my mom, the troop Assistant Leader, was having none of it.  “You girls will not be comfortable and it’s not healthy sleeping in soaking wet bags – so, get them out, unzip and lay them out over the logs to dry.  Some things are more important than an award ribbon!”  My patrol friend and tent partner Kim and I had just straightened our sleeping bags, cleaned and tidied up our tent for inspection.  We wanted everything perfect in the hopes that our camp would win the big award from the Jamboree leadership.  Mr. Hedges had spent hours hand crafting the award – the beautiful leather and ribbon award was stamped and polished.  We wanted it hanging on our Troop Banner.  We slowly and sullenly complied with our leaders, pulling out our bags and PJ’s and laying them out.  I kept thinking, “Maybe they’ll dry before we go on our hike today and we can put everything away before inspection starts!”  But, as the time came for us to prepare for our hike – the bags were still heavily sodden with water.  Coming back from the hike and seeing the bags and PJ’s was just an ugly reminder that it was over – the inspection had already taken place.  We lost our chance and were in pretty poor spirits about it. 

As we gathered for dinner, we ate somewhat quietly and then cleaned up and prepared for the Jamboree campfire gathering, where the award was being given.  As the campfire time began we sang songs, watched and presented skits and then listened as our district leaders prepared for the award.  Our lead district representative talked about how it had been very easy for them to decide which Troop was getting the award this year.  They actually had only considered one camp from the very start.  I kept thinking – yeah, it’s the one next to ours that has the great layout and all THEIR SLEEPING BAGS ARE IN THEIR TENTS!  The district rep went on to say that Girl Scouting is most interested in building leadership qualities and equipping girls to not only make good decisions, but also in giving them the tools to support and carry out those good decisions.  Then, she announced our Troop number and I was stunned, then instantly overflowing with joy!  Our troop all looked at one another in amazement as our leaders went up to receive our award and we were asked to stand. 

I think of that Jamboree often as a pivotal moment in my life.  I was around 8 or 9, but I came away from that time with a change in me and the way I think about things.  It’s not about how things look; it’s about making good decisions and walking out everything in line to support them, even when it’s not pretty, even when it may seem disappointing, even when you doubt and may believe you’ve lost the prize.  Turns out, things are not always as they appear. Our troop spent a happy, warm, cozy and DRY night in our tents, the beautiful and prized award made by Mr. Hedges hanging on our troop banner.