Girls on Trail

I have the best kiddoes.  When my son and daughter-in-law lived in state they, my husband and I and our 2 daughters used to take day hikes together as a family every couple of months throughout Riverside, San Diego and Orange Counties.  We had some great adventures together – trails full of discovery, beautiful strange nature and lots of silliness and laughter.  Since my son (his sweet wife and our 1^st grandson – who  has since got a brother) relocated (the US Navy’s pleasure), my two daughters still continue the fun, hiking with us a few time a year.  Today, my daughters and I (Hubby home still recovering – so proud of that man’s determination) headed to Irvine to try the trails at San Joaquin Wildlife Sanctuary.  Who knew right in the midst of the city you could find such a lovely 3 mile squarish patch jam packed full of various size ponds, amazing birds, plants and wildlife (cool butterfly and humming bird gardens too) and  a variety of trails?  Despite the early hour and rather constant drizzle, our spirits were  not dampened!   

Not far into the hike, I noticed many photographers, nestled in various outlets surrounding the ponds, snapping pics of the beautiful and varied marsh life.  My girls noisily chatted, as I kept shushing them to take in the beauty of the many different bird songs and noises filling the air.  No matter their ruckus, though – the wildlife remained abundant and not shy or skittish.  We had little cotton tails hippity hop around every corner.  Then, down one long stretch of trail, came the confident strut of a stately large gray 4 foot plus resident  (could have been a type of Heron) with what looked to be a little black toupee headdress.  He (or she) slowly, calmly and gracefully walked right toward us, unruffled by our conversations.  It was awesome to see such a large animal so close, though we remained at a respectful distance.  Ducks and geese were plentiful with their little babies in tow.  One duck mother looked as though she was babysitting a whole community’s progeny as a trail of some 14 babies followed her out across one pond, no other adult duck in sight!  One little brown bird with orange face came right up to us on the trail with his friendly greeting. Large dark birds perched on tree limbs in the distance as small lithe gull cousins darted over our path.  We came round a curve in the trail to find a tall shrub bubbling with what seemed like 10 to 12 of the tiniest dark birds I’ve ever seen, flitting in and out of the branches.  It reminded me of a popcorn machine as they flew up and out and back and forth all in rapid succession of each other. 

We wandered through bizarrely beautiful trees (like something out of Dr. Seuss).  Bright green trunks studded with thorns anchored spiraling branches downy with white seed pods shaped like little hands.  Then what seemed like the tallest spreading tree, ethereal with it's pale pink mini pompoms on tiny sticks, popped up right before us.  Mounds of wild raspberry and blackberry bushes came into view with ripe berries all over them (it may have been ill advised, but we ate several).  Tomato plants with bright red fruit peeked out from amongst the tangle at intervals.  The air was magical with scents – honeysuckle, jasmine and a smell similar to that smell in Disneyland’s Main Street Candy Shop.  Deep magentas, pale and lacy yellows, bright blues and young bright greens delighted the eye at each turn.  Orange and purple trumpet varieties of flower and trees laden with deep pink fleshy blossoms were magically “sugared” by the fine rain mist. 

Though fitted with hooded jackets we all got fairly soaked in the steady light rain.  Yet it was a pleasant temperature and we didn’t mind as we enjoyed the various portions of the many trails.  The boardwalk took us over water giving an up close view of the “green smoothie-like” marsh water and clumps of swamp grass.  As we stopped to look at some of the plant life on the trail, Taylor, my youngest daughter, picked up a long stalk with something like grains at its end.  She shook it at her sister, Crissy, who promptly yelled, “Hey, what’s on that thing? It’s wet; you’re getting in my mouth!”  Taylor laughed and said, “I think its bird poo”.  Then, at her sister’s face of horror, she began laughing in earnest and back peddling saying it must be mud from the ground. Her sister’s face did not register much difference at this revelation.  

This prompted me to remind Taylor of the time she was around 5 and had run in the house screaming that she was dying.  She had been out on our front lawn and saw some toadstools growing and ran in the house screaming and crying that she was dying.  When I tried to settle her down and ask her what happened, she said she thought the mushroom was going to kill her.  When I asked her if she had eaten the mushroom or put it in her mouth she said, “I don’t know, I don’t know!!”  I asked, “How can you not know if you did or did not put it in your mouth?”  Turns out, her older brother (7 years her senior) had been out with her when they saw the mushrooms.  Knowing that we had warned her many times before never to put them in her mouth – he went the extra “caring-brother-mile” convincing her that just seeing them may put her in danger.  It was quite some time we had calming her enough to realize that she had not actually touched or eaten them and was okay.  Ahhh, memories.  J 
What a wonderful way to spend an early Saturday morning.  Happy Trails!

Breathtaking

I’ve seen it and tried to battle it since I was a little child - contempt.  I can remember the viciousness of it in little children in elementary school – kids who were bullied, beat up, called names, teased, harassed, torn down, and publicly humiliated.  I watched this and it sobered me.  And, I determined very young that I was going to protect myself from the bullies.  So, in elementary school, I developed a mean look and sarcastic wit.  For the most part – bullies didn’t try to mess with me much.  The only one who did – Kevin – determined that anyone who touched his ball was going to pay. So when he bounced it off my legs on the sidelines at school he made good on his threat, knocking me to the ground and breaking my collar bone.  A couple of weeks later, he and I were in the school office talking with the principal and as I left the office I heard the spanking and his screams (they were allowed to give spankings when I was in school) and…I cried for him.  Yes, even then it hurt me to hear someone else being hurt, even though they hurt me.

It’s been no different as an adult.  In the world there are many people who only feel good when they are hurting or intimidating and humiliating others.  I’m not perfect – I don’t live out the fullness yet of Jesus’ mandate to love my enemies the way He loves me.  I do try – but, I’m not stellar at it, I admit, though I’m working on it.  I’m thankful God’s Holy Spirit is guiding and helping me learn how to let Jesus’ love overflow in my own heart.  I’m in transformation, but I still fail, many times.  It’s a process with me – so, I can see that others are also in their process and I can have compassion and empathy toward the ones who are hateful or mean to me.

What I find different, at this point in my life, is that I’m seeing bullies differently now.  I used to see danger and threat to myself and contempt of me in the people who bullied or were hateful to me.  But, now, I see their emptiness, lack, fear, sometimes jealousy.  And, I’m always surprised to realize again that though many of these individuals have great talent, resources and opportunities they still have these things inside that cause them to think it’s necessary for them to treat others this way.  From Luke 6:45 –“The good man brings good things out of the good treasure of his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil treasure of his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” 

God's started showing me how to look in His eyes and see the truth and pour out His goodness to people like this and pray for them.  What I see, when I look with Jesus’ eyes, is that their bad behavior is not about me at all.  I am learning so much.  And, their behavior helps show me what's inside of me too.   I can believe for them and see in them my complete inability (apart from Jesus) to make myself be better.  And right there I can show them the compassion that God always shows me.  I don’t have to expect these people will change, but, I can continue to believe for them.  God’s kindness to me is always present in the midst – whatever happens.  He proves it over and over again and I keep learning more deeply all the time to trust him because of it.  And, it's so amazing when some of them receive God’s love and learn to know that He is for them. It’s pretty exciting to see what comes of that.   I love seeing people be who God really made them to be.  It’s breathtaking, actually, words have no power here!  And, it makes walking through all the "stuff" completely worth it. J

SHINE!

I have to tell on myself. I recently got a pretty devastating and much deserved spanking. Yes, I’m guilty and it’s sad and true. It wasn’t the first time Papa had highlighted this issue to me (he’s so patient). I had been very aware and even working on trying somehow to stop, but, had still continued on. Oh, it was a very hard thing and I cried quite a lot (I have permission to cry, but don’t typically spend long periods of time doing it). But, in the pain and difficulty of it, God's deep love, care, gentle kindness and encouragement to me were what overwhelmed me in the midst. I cried out to him and sat with him a long long time. He was with me and did not ever leave me.

I have had a terrible habit develop in the last 2 years of some days being late to work. It's not my only problem, but, yeah, it’s one of my more ridiculously silly ones. It was not something I had a problem with in the past, but has become very routine as time has gone on.  A couple of days a week I arrived late by 3 to 5 minutes and some days also returning from lunch. Some days I was even 10 minutes late. I don't take breaks, so, I'd sort of justified continuing it (the company is losing no time, so, it’s not really a big deal). And, some days I'm actually early, but, the being late days I let them continue.  I’ve actually talked with myself about it many times.  I know it's wrong.  I don't like it.  I’ve let my boss know that I have no excuse for it and want to stop. It seems no matter how I’ve struggled I could not make myself be better in this. I don't want to do it and yet, somehow, I still had allowed it.  I believe it developed in me as a bad response to the negativity in my office that has escalated, sort of my way of thumbing my nose at it.  Papa showed me this and explained how it's the wrong way to handle the negativity.  And He showed me that I cannot continue it.  He's been long-suffering with me about it, but, He loves me too much to let me continue to sabotage myself and things around me. He’s such a great Dad.

You may ask, “Minutes late, in the scheme of things how big a deal is that?” Yeah, for a long time I said that to me.  Turns out much bigger things are at stake than you or I think! Things outside of a seemingly insignificant few minutes late.  So, why is it such a big deal? A friend of mine, Mark Dahle, gave a great and insightful talk that helped me to see a lot about this “God Wants the Best for You” some weeks ago. If you want to check it out you can @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZwCw6xDxAQ.  What was made clear to me in my spanking is that my seemingly insignificant choice to engage in being late affects things exponentially in a BIG way. First, it affects ME. My character is being aligned with God’s more and more. I am being refined. Old dead habits must go. I must go His way. Allowing thing's I'm aware of can have a tendency to allow more things. I'm on a mountain, climbing, anchoring with ropes. The higher I go, the more dangerous it is, the thinner the atmosphere and more treacherous the conditions. This terrain brooks no carelessness, it's deadly.  If I do not get rid of the flesh habits (even silly ones) now, I could fall off this mountain entirely or slip and take a terrible set back. I was so blind to this in some ways. God’s grace will always cover me and especially when I fail. However, I have an opportunity here to partner with God and take seriously what He is highlighting for good.

Greater still, is the effect on those in my sphere of influence.  Those roped together with me on this mountain. When I do not handle the "jettison" work of the old dead flesh habits hanging on me, I risk the safety of those around me and tied to me. I hate the thought that I cause them risk, even more than how it would affect me. When I engage in wrong – it gives others permission and encouragement to do wrong (even when they don't necessarily see it - that's scary). This is true of any wrong – wrong attitudes and actions. It affects the atmosphere by multiplying it. Mark’s talk goes into this really well. I have the great joy here; instead, of putting on the new and letting the radiant SHINE safely anchor those around me to goodness incarnate! What an amazing truth! Right and good through me multiplies in my sphere/atmosphere and brings safety and restoration. I have known this in so many big ways and yet, little things are significant. This was shown to me in small things. God uses very small things quite astonishingly. I cannot disregard it and I won't. 

Matthew 5:14-16

^14-16 “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Most importantly – and this actually hit me the hardest and broke my heart. The thought of, in any way, misrepresenting Jesus to others - it’s crushing how that hurts me. My carelessness about His reputation in the world, it makes me cry all over again. I wish I could convey how much seeing this affects me. I never want anyone to walk away from an experience with me or seeing a behavior I exhibit that makes them believe something untrue or skewed about Jesus. I am a child of God, an ambassador of Christ, a Kingdom citizen. I don’t hide it from people. I exemplify who God is and what family life is like to a world that has no idea. When I thoughtlessly allow myself to indulge in things I know are wrong, it’s like making God evil in the eyes of those looking on. That is never ever who He is. Instead I GET TO SHINE the truth of who He is and the goodness of His Kingdom life - making it real in this world. That honor wrecks me. To be chosen to represent Him.  I always know He is getting the short end of the stick in this deal because I seem to mess up at every turn.  But, He is so amazingly loving and kind – tenderhearted in His grace, to me. He always assures me that He knew exactly what He was getting in this deal and He has never regretted it.  He always looks at me and holds me up as a joy worth having, through everything - suffering and dying and walking with in and through transforming all things.  And, He makes failure fail-proof! He makes me to be who HE envisioned when He crafted me in His heart, long before I existed.  He’s taken my ruinous wrecked life and given me His perfect one instead. I’m more than awe struck by it. I’ll never get over it.

I was really smarting and exhausted, but at the same time so thankful - really grateful!  I'm sensing a heart change that has me actually really excited. Don't know if that makes sense. But, I am now up for what The Holy Spirit wants to do instead! The goodness of God leads to repentance. So, we begin! I'm thrilled to see what taking God’s hand here will unfold! Feels like being on the verge of the immense. I can see the ripples in the atmosphere – light shining into darkness!

He Appeared

Drawing by Jean Keaton

Our pastors have been going through some of the Christmas Carols this year, teaching us their background and meanings from the scriptures. Last Sunday I was sick but caught our pastor online talking about, “O Holy Night”. When he came to “til he appeared and the soul felt its worth” it resonated for me.  He noted how we often do not feel God’s love or our worth to Him.

It reminded me of something that happened earlier this year to me. I have come to understand that my soul has a lot of lies that were planted in it from ages where I really had no ability to reason or understand. I’ve harbored and even nurtured many of them without realizing it. Now that I’m more aware, when I detect there are lies present, I want to uncover them and see what Jesus is holding there for me instead. Earlier this year I found a whopper. I was meeting with a group of people who were telling me various things, all good with good intentions, and I was listening and asking questions, trying to gain a more complete understanding. At one point in our discussions I shared some things from my heart with them; however, this particular group did not really grasp some of what I was saying. I could tell by what they noted in return that they missed a core piece of information and though I tried various means and different illustrations, they seemed intent to fix firmly on their interpretation of what I was saying. They seemed to show no interest in listening to me to understand what I was telling them. In those moments, I had this overwhelming feeling of being completely alone, abandoned, voiceless and pretty much helpless to do anything about it for myself.

 

A little later that day I was meeting up with friend on an errand.  Since it was fresh in my mind and she noted she had time – she kindly agreed to help me process these feelings that had come up.  So, I felt as though no matter what I said or how I said it, I was not being heard in any real way. My friend asked me if there was any time I’d felt this same way before in my life.  I had occasions when I was older where this had happened, but my earliest connection to it came in an impression I had from when I was very young.  I described to her being a little one standing in a baby bed in a room and crying and crying, but no one ever came. I was looking for my mama, but she never came. It was a long time, seemed unending, and no person looked in on me. The door was open to the room I was in, but I could not hear or see any other person in the house. My friend asked me what I believed about me right there in that baby bed alone, no one coming or around. I said, “I cannot be heard and I don’t matter”. So, she asked me if I wanted to know where Jesus was when I was there and to ask him if it was true, that I cannot be heard and I don’t matter.  I said yes. I tentatively questioned, really hurting and fearful, “Jesus is it true no one can hear me and I don’t matter?” As I was sitting in that place of deep pain and loneliness as a little child I had the impression settle on me of Jesus there holding me and cuddling me and lovingly rocking me in the midst of my abandonment. A strong sense of safety and security as well as a feeling of being deeply treasured, loved, holding significance and being a source of delight all came flooding over me from Jesus.  What a powerful moment of reality.  He was always there with me. His holding me in that moment broke lies off of my soul and gave me a more complete sense of assurance that I matter to Him.  I had known for many years that I matter to him.  I know and trust that He died to free me of sin on the cross and rose to new life so I could walk with God in this new life.  But, does Jesus take the time and trouble to apply the truth of his cross acutely and accurately to the hearts of little babies that lie within long since grown up women and men?   Does he stop to value, love and care for a baby whose only translation of the gospel writings would be in this wordless form?   I assure you, Jesus cares about and daily tends to these details meticulously, wonderfully and with great joy.  He does not always do it in the same way as he did on this day. Sometimes there are things I've needed to work through, to forgive others or repent of things I have done wrong before I am able to receive what He has for me. But these things are not just trivial niceties or wistful little wishing’s – they are core alignments.

There was a part of my heart that did not know this aspect of His truth and it prevented a fullness of receiving from Him.  At that moment I realized His truth in a deeper more full way that freed me of a lie.  And, even though that room was still empty of other people and no other person ever came when I cried Jesus was there.  He was present and attentive to my need to be loved in the way a child needs to be loved and cared for.  I spent some time there with Jesus and that was really good – I still go back there to savor his goodness and He’s always there for me.  As I say, over the years I’d come to know that Jesus is always with me - first through learning and reading it in the bible.  And then, I’ve also had many adventures with him where he’s shown me he is with me.  He is my lifelong best friend as well as the awe striking pure and holy Lamb of God.  Every day we share conversation and interaction.  Sometimes he’ll point me to his word and give me impressions about an aspect of it or I’ll read him some portions out loud and sit with him resting in them.  Sometimes we’re walking or I’m somewhere and He’ll show me a person or people and he’ll point out something he wants for them and I’ll give it to them from Him or pray for them, if that’s what He wants.  Sometimes He takes me into the Kingdom room and we look at the maps and plans with their various brilliantly unfolding designs and details.  Sometimes he’s just really fun and seriously funny. No one has a more outstanding sense of humor or better timing than Jesus.  He simply is the best.  I spend time on my face exalting and adoring him, awe struck by His holiness and undone by the greatness of His majestic presence – reverence, terror and deep thankfulness all mixed together. But, when I was a little child I did not know him in these ways.  When he showed me that even then, when I was too young to help myself or do anything and had no personal relational abilities with him, he took care of it all and still does.  He is deeply vested in our relationship and was before I ever had any awareness or ability to respond. He is my loving mother and father, tending to all my needs and thrilled and delighted to do so. And he is relentless in holding and tending to my wounded heart and soul and teaching it His truth as he grows me out through and past those woundings to represent him uniquely in the way He crafted me to.  He respects the personhood he gave me – so the areas of work where he invites my participation I get to choose if I will or not.  He never overrides, but, is ever the framework of life upon which I stand.  When I willingly give my personhood back to him that’s when it always becomes more amazing and what it should be.  When that little me experienced him there - the intensity of the feelings that had gripped me of abandonment, helplessness and voicelessness went away and were replaced with deep significance, peace, joy and delight.  He released the “hostage hold” in that portion of my soul of a misperception I had about who He really is and who I am to Him that I had no awareness of.  That’s part of “soul work” with fear and trembling. 

It is important to live my life in accord with God’s truth as best as I have apprehended it in my heart - regardless of feelings.  And, I must be diligent in ever learning His truth in his word and walking with him to apply it daily to my life.  His grace both empowers and covers me right where I’m at.  And, it’s important for me to grasp the true role feelings play and where they afford me awareness, with God, to press in to the fullness of the truth of His word.  It’s funny – God cares about feelings just as he cares about all aspects of his creation.  He created them powerful and beautiful things.  He has feelings and is never ashamed or avoidant of having them.  He certainly is never materially or spiritually stronger or weaker because of them – but is rich and whole in the fullness of them.  His masterful display of pure and holy feelings is radiantly glorious and terrifying.  God is no stoic.  He took full vent of every righteous bit of anger and wrath out upon Jesus. He also poured out the full measure of deepest relational love and glory upon his son, in whom he is well pleased and fully vested. Stoicism is a system of protection that humans invented to manage feelings.  Kingdom people are joyful as they intentionally more deeply embrace the heart of their Father while shedding all other forms of protection. If we’re being made in Christ’s image we will be our true self and pure and holy feelings will be a mere outflow of that transformation.  Feelings, a great gift God has given to fully savor life and a stellar built-in set of indicators. They always point out when and where something is going on in me when they come up.  Like a campfire of green wood, they leave a trail of smoke to follow to the source of where they are coming from.  I don’t mistake truth for feelings, but, I also don’t ignore the opportunity they present for me to apprehend God's truth in a deeper way.  I use them to discover.  I’m always thankful to partner when God invites me to realign to His truth in my heart.  It is not an easy process, but it is always good.  I love learning new levels of joy in the midst too!  And, I love helping my friends and family along the way as well.  I want to want everything God wants for me.  I didn’t used to want to want it.  Yep, only wanted what I thought was good (broken thinker).  I hated the thought of some of what He wanted and I’ve found there are many things I had no awareness of that He wants for me.  As my soul receives more wholeness the things He wants for me that I have an awareness of don’t look the same to me at all.  I don’t have to fully understand to trust.  I’m not saying I don’t struggle, because I certainly do at points.  But, it’s a good struggle and I'm not afraid to struggle anymore, resting in his love.  I'm ever hopeful in the process.  And I’m learning to want to want what looked un-inviting before.  God is an endless treasure and I’m made to find Him!  It’s an exciting and wonder filled life!   He appeared and the soul felt and found it’s worth.  The soul is ever on that journey.

The Family of God

Jesus, your name is light and life. There are so many things I love about you and things I am grateful for in you.  It’s a never ending adventure – discovering new facets of who you are.

One of the facets I’ve been sitting with and admiring this year is the family of God.  Remembering that you, God, in the gift of Jesus, did everything so that we can not only be free of sin, free of death and forever alive (all of those things in and of themselves is outrageous, generous, and beyond words to thank you for).  But you, God, did not stop there.  Ever the abundant, life giving, love incarnate, brilliant one – you, incredibly bring us to, in Jesus, the family of God. We cannot begin to understand this.  Save us – we start to fathom your mercy and pity on us, free us - we can begin to understand your gracious kindness in this, but make us your family?  We are at odds with this. Why?  What would make you open your very self, your heart, your perfectly peaceful, loving and joyful family life and household to a rebellious, wrecked and ruinous heap of humanity? This is the unbelievable truth of you.  You already saw, beyond the wreckage – who you made each of us and all of us as a whole to be in you.  Our wretched state never changed your vision of who we are in you or your ability to bring about what you have always intended.

 

Your family, brilliant, amazing, glorious – it could only ever be that!  You, in what has yet be fully unveiled, established us in your very self.  In you, we could not be other than family to you.  We become the glory of your heart, not by our efforts, or anything within us – but by YOU!  And, it’s not enough that you overcame the enemy of our souls and saved us, but you made us overcomers in you as well.  Children not just in name but transformed in our very DNA . We are unpacking all along our lives what it means to come more and more into alignment with you and live your life out, expanding your Kingdom.

Thank you God, that in the seemingly impossible and small beginnings of Jesus’ life on earth through Mary and Joseph – that you remind us again, family, it’s everything you ever wanted for us – in you. And you bring impossible things (making us the beloved) in and through our relationship with you. It’s everything our true hearts long and were made for.

The Big Fish Motel

Jonah – something about Jonah really resonates for me.  We were going through it again at church. I’ve read the story many times. This time what stood out to me were some things that had not before.

Never thought of it before, but, did you notice that it was 3 days for Jonah inside the fish and a 3 day walk through Nineveh?  Coincidence?  I think not.   Jonah was subjected to three days in the stomach of a fish - pretty much trapped and wrapped in death (smelly, digestive juices [acids and enzymes] all round him.  Air – not much of that, so breathing is limited and very difficult.  And it’s dark, very dark) – this environment does not sustain life nor is it comfy.  No wonder he went straight to praying!  The great fish is similar to the great city of Nineveh – this city swallows you up whole and digests you slowly and painfully into darkness.   God actually allowed Jonah to experience the effects of the city inside of the fish.  He could not have missed the comparison.  You’d think it would have given him a little compassion for the trapped people wrapped in the death that was Nineveh.  Sadly, his stay at the fish motel only helped to grudgingly motivate him (upon God’s 2^nd urging) to announce judgement on Nineveh. 

And, isn’t it interesting how the story sort of made Jonah look sort of, well, like a liar (even though he wasn’t)?  Maybe this was part of what irritated Jonah even more!  Prophets of his day were severely judged (it was a death sentence if your prophesy did not come to pass).  Jonah was not stoned based on his prophesy not coming to pass.  God said to tell Nineveh of His decision to judge it for it’s wickedness.  And, Jonah tells them – “40 days to God’s judgement of Nineveh!”.  He didn’t say to Nineveh, “God’s planning to judge you – but, here’s a tip, possibly if you sincerely repent and turn from your ways – He may change His mind”.  Nope – he gives them bupkis (nothing).  It’s apparent he does not want the slightest chance of repentance because He already suspects that God will change His mind if they do!  So, he doesn’t mention or encourage it.  Interesting how the pagans actually knew what Jonah himself knew – that God may be moved to change His mind about what He was planning to do if they sincerely repented!  Isn’t that funny?!  Pagans actually believed a Jewish (enemy) prophet, took his message to heart - AND made hasty repentance!  Even the animals were put in sackcloth – these people seriously turned it around!  They actually believed that if they repented that maybe, long shot, but maybe – God would see their sincere turn around and spare them.  I find it really interesting that these people saw that.

Last, we come to Jonah’s despair about God sparing Nineveh.   I can relate to Jonah.  I have had moments where very nasty people have caused me to wish them to truly receive the full fruit of wrath that their choices dictate.  But, God has been so very kind and patient with me.  He has shown me - me.   Yeah, not the nice me I wish I were.  But, the me, who, without His intervention would be doomed.   It is deeply troubling to see your real self.  But, when you see the nasty in you, it gives you compassion for others.   God took care of that nasty me – He nailed it with Jesus to the cross to die.  It is dead and finished.  But, it does not mean that I don’t still struggle with the old dead remnant of habits that I have.  Those habits are my constant reminder to have compassion.  God is always gracious in showing me I can give them up and hand them over to Him.   And I can pray the same for everyone else weighed down with nasty. 

It was no coincidence that at the time I was going through this study on Jonah a pastor that my husband and I listen to every day on radio was going through the Matthew 18 parable that Jesus told about the unmerciful servant.  It starts where Peter asks Jesus – “How many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me?” Peter asks – “Up to 7 times?” – this was the rabbinic practice.  Jesus answers Peter –“ No, not 7 times, but seventy seven times” (or seventy times seven = indefinitely).  Forgiveness is not limited.  Then he told the parable.  He compared the Kingdom of heaven to a King who wanted to settle accounts with his servants.  A man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold (a sum not payable in a thousand life times by this man) was brought before him.  He ordered that the man, his wife, children and all that he had be sold to pay toward the debt.  The servant fell on his knees and begged the King to be patient with him, telling him he would pay him everything (which he knew he never would be able to do). The King took pity on him and cancelled his debt and let him go.  That same servant on leaving the King ran into a fellow servant who owed him 100 silver coins (a large sum, but it could have been paid back).  He began to choke the fellow servant and demand payment.  The fellow servant fell on his knees and begged his fellow servant to be patient telling him that he would repay the debt.  But, the man ran off and had his fellow servant thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.  The King’s servants heard of this and were outraged and told the King what this servant had done.  The King had this servant brought before him – “You wicked servant!  I cancelled all that debt of yours because you begged me to.  Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?”  He had him thrown into prison and tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

The points the pastor made about this were very convicting to me and that joined with my Jonah study made me really take notice.  First – the servant who owed what he could never repay did not value what the King did for him. Ouch - that hurts. This makes forgiveness not just something we hope we can eventually do someday.  It is an indication that we have received God’s gift in Jesus to us.  Also, the witness that we have before all the world is wrapped up in this very thing.  That extending outrageous lavish and unwarranted forgiveness to all others is a hallmark that we have received it and are Kingdom people. Jesus is so worth it.  No stayin at The Big Fish Motel!

Humble

I hear people talking a lot about humility and being humble.  People talk about the importance of it and how we all should strive to be humble, but, how to go about being authentically humble – that is not a topic I’ve heard spoken on in those moments where people are stressing the importance of it.

I’m not an expert, but, the whole idea of somehow trying to be humble really smacks disingenuous to me.  I say this sincerely as someone who has been diligently seeking.  And, OH – I was an avid Do-er!  I knew well how to DO, but, not really how to BE.  I was very good at hiding behind “pleaser” wrapping paper. 

Pride is the opposite of humility.  And pride is typically wrapped up in fear.  One place I can shed fear and pride in real ways is in Celebrate Recovery.  It’s a Christ centered 12 step safe place where I’m accepted and can fellowship with others on the same journey I am – growing together in Christ.  I have a long way to go, but, the freedom I’ve received through being real about my failings and flaws, coming face to face with the ugly places in me have brought real authentic moments that have been so wonderful.  And the rest and peace I’ve received from knowing God loves me and was never disillusioned in me from the start – that helps me to live from that real place more and more outside of CR!  That is transformational.  While very painful at times, this process with others and Jesus has been so good and encouraging.  Redemptive pain, I want to go toward it more than ever before, not run from it.  Embracing what I fear is humiliating but is really about just being real brings humility in real ways.

I don’t know how to manufacture humility on my own.  I really don’t think the true article is possible in and of me.  But, along with shedding pride and fear in CR there is another place where something close to what I believe must be part of humility just naturally occurs.  It’s when I spend time with my heavenly Papa, focusing on Him for Him.  Talking to Him, worshipping, listening, reading over His word – these are times I lose all thought about me.  When I’m exposed to Jesus’ magnificence – His greatness – WOW – my mind is never on me in those moments.  Funny how that works!  I seem to think this must be the most authentic form of humility, being mindful more and more of God’s great goodness, presence and the truth of who He really is.   Awe of God’s greatness, it helps me live in a real way, knowing He is worthy and so big and that I don’t have to try to do anything in order to find meaning or worth.  I love Him so dearly and am learning to more and more love Him by receiving His great love for me in my heart.

Humility – doesn’t seem like it should be anything about trying harder to look humble or putting myself down overtly to others.  Just seems a natural outflow of getting real about me and God.