Kings and Queens and Fairytales

Are you disillusioned with the US Presidential Election this year?  For a while I watched this thinking, “It can’t possibly get worse”.   It is surreal. 

Honestly speaking, I hold a mix of views that has never been covered by just one political party.  I’ve been registered as a Democrat at times and Republican at times in my life.  I’ve really only ever registered in order to vote and typically have registered with the party that most closely embraces more of the things I find important at any given time.  I have never been a strait party line voter.  I never miss an opportunity to vote and take it very seriously.  Too many people died to give us the opportunity to participate in self-governance.  Sadly, many have lost sight of how precious that is. 

With this Presidential Election everyone can clearly see how broken our system is.  I am not in favor of either Hillary or Donald.  They basically have the same character, if you dare to take off your political colored glasses.  Neither of them is worse than the other, in my estimation.   Different wrapping paper does not hide that core truth.  And, I’m not blaming them!  I am praying for them and our country.  The fact that they are the candidates is a direct product of choices we’ve made.  That these are what our system has produced as the best 2 main candidates to lead the country says something very ugly about us.  It reflects an unwillingness to take our responsibilities seriously.  We and previous generations apparently stink at making hard choices.  These candidates are  just one more "wake up" slap in the face for it!  We have not only shaken hands with those who would see “every-day people” ousted from governance, we’ve gone to sleep leaving them at the switch! We’re getting just what we have allowed and chosen.  Hillary and Donald – Wakey! Wakey!

I have seriously prayed about this election, the candidates and our nation. I believe that whoever is elected, God is able to ultimately do what He wants done.  And, while He will work in and through those who love and follow Him to bring about all He intends, He will also work through those who don't!  God has had tougher human leadership to deal with throughout history. It's no challenge to Him to work through those who have no interest in Him or allegiance to Him and His Kingdom values.  And, He is bringing His glorious Kingdom, birthing it, through some very heavy and painful labor.

So, what am I going to do?  Actually, if it were funny I would find it laughable. Sadly, it’s not.  I’m voting for Donald Trump.  Yeah, crazy!  I can hardly believe it’s what I am saying. I finally came to the decision after not wanting  to decide at all.  Many will find this ridiculous – I find it so myself.  So many egregious issues with Donald Trump, it makes me ill.  There is no defending his choices in any way and I wouldn’t even want to try. Both candidates have made bad choices.  And, I make bad choices too, so I can relate to that.  Ultimately, there is only one reason I am voting for him.  It is because he is not the establishment candidate.  Even his own party hates him.  I don’t know why, but I find something about that reassuring.  There is a prompting for me in it. That the system does not like Donald Trump, out of everything going on - that encourages me.  It is very telling that not one good candidate on any side could seriously get in this year.  No one of great character, with a heart for the people and leadership quality was able to make it to the final selection stage.  Our system actually won’t allow for that anymore!   So, since only way messed up people can make it in this way messed up system I’m going with the candidate that way most offends the entire system’s sensibilities.  It is evident that we need a “re-set”.  A re-set will be very painful, messy and extreme – more than people know.  The future with the system we have now (that continues to lull people to sleep in accepting the horrific) I believe it will be even worse.  Better to wake up and go at this head on with eyes open - though many will want to remain sleeping.  Whatever happens with the election, our horizon is full of very great challenges.  And, I don’t hate people who choose to vote for Hillary, though it pains me deeply to think about her being held up as the first woman in the office of President.  It pains me just as much to think of Donald in that office.  I love a lot of people who I know are voting for Hillary.   I’m not going to stop loving them, whatever happens.  Hating people feeds in to the distraction from the real issue and just wastes lots of energy and resources.   And, believe me when I say I’m not fooling myself into thinking that any choice, at this point, will lead to an easier future.  We’ve spent far too much time taking the easy way.  It will be a painful road, but, God is with us on this road and is out ahead.  I am looking to Him and believing He is bringing something amazing and we get to bring it with Him! He is willing and able to bring His good through his people.  He is doing it, even now!  Many times He does things in ways I can’t understand, but, Jesus always proves He is King over the impossible!  He is raising up Kings and Queens in this time – His children that stand and shine with His heart and power - His victorious Kingdom!  I thank you, God, that you can make and bring your goodness to people and will even through difficult and painful times and leadership!  I praise you for who YOU ARE - unlimited and ever faithful in love, power and purity!

The Amazing Father and The Poverty Brothers

Ever notice how Jesus’ parable in Luke 15:11-32 is referred to as “The Lost Son” or “The Prodigal Son”?  I think it’s truly misnamed.  Jesus never named it that.  People all too often focus primarily on the son who asked for his inheritance and went away spending it all in “wild” living and began to starve with the pigs, deciding it would be better to return to his dad and offer to work as a servant than to die. 

Recently, I was in that “in-between” state of not fully asleep and not fully awake and had a sort of waking dream come to me about this parable.  I had not been reading it recently, but Papa many times slips in dreams in my waking hours that are startling to me and shed light on things I have not seen previously. 

In my dream – the familiar story line of the younger son and his request of his father came to me, but it was highlighted a little differently.  The son knew he was due an inheritance and foolishly did not value it - bent on taking his entire inheritance (a pretty large sum) leaving for a distant land where no one knew him and spending it in a wild run of self-indulgence.  He did not know his true identity in His father's heart. No care or thought for tomorrow or the consequences of his actions, until he runs smack into them.  This is such a picture of many of us in our culture today.  People do not understand who they are and whose they are.  As a result they never learn how to control themselves.  There is little to no cultivation in people from very young in learning to govern their urges and live self-controlled lives.  Learning how to endure pain and walk through suffering, delayed gratification or working long and hard for a prized reward are not valued character traits in our society any more.  Instead, people are told they deserve everything – NOW.  They should treat themselves – why not?  They deserve it.  This mentality and lifestyle has led to where we are now – a society of self-indulgent entitled people whining that they want everything now and that they deserve for someone to give it to them.

On the flip side – the older brother was a very interesting revelation.  He, having always lived and worked along-side his father, had always viewed himself as a slave.  He had never connected with his father – you can see they had no relationship, though the father’s heart  of love was always available to him.  He never received his father’s love and the identity that came with it.  If he had, he would never have resented his brother’s celebration and felt a lack of his own.  He could not even be happy for his brother.  He only saw meagerness toward himself from his father in celebrating his brother’s return.  There never was meagerness toward him in any way from his father’s heart. 

It’s interesting that one son separated himself physically from his father and ended up in a self-inflicted physical and identity poverty and need, while the other remained physically with his father and had access to his love and all that he owned and yet suffered a self-inflicted poverty of identity.  I find this mentality prevalent in many in the church.  We are dedicated to serving the Lord, but, have never accessed his love and the identity and inheritance that come with it through Jesus’ sacrifice to make bringing many sons into being!  Many stand far off from the Father’s heart – some resentful and some even prideful that they have worked so hard, but, never entering into their Father’s love, rest and provision.  Both of these self-inflicted poverty states steal the future away from individuals and the Kingdom that God intends.

This was a timely word when Jesus told the parable and it is even more timely now.  We have an opportunity to receive The Father’s great love, identity, provision and joy to us – be we younger, older or a mix of both sons.  He runs to us when we return – His heart is always full and available to us as we serve beside him.  I pray we don’t miss Him and that the enemy does not fool us out of our inheritance – I pray we connect with your great goodness through all that Jesus did to make it possible, Father.  Thank you, God, for walking us through and committing to make us one with you!

Value

I have been pondering this for a very long time.  The most recent killings of black men and police officers here in the U.S. are just highlights to me of the same theme I have been focused on for many years – value.  There has been a firestorm over both people’s perception of and their life experience of being valued.  As a woman, I understand very well what it feels like to be treated as “less than” to be “de-valued” by various populaces and individuals.  I believe all people have experienced and understand this at some basic heart level in our fallen world – many much more deeply than others, depending on the society they live in.

When I first heard the words “Black lives matter” I’m sad to say, I reacted the same way that many I saw around me did.   I felt, as though someone else was trying to put themselves above everyone else.  But, what I came to realize, as I looked at this much more deeply is that Blacks do not feel valued.  They do not feel truly seen for who they really are and embraced.  Black people are precious and unique.  No person in their true heart was made to be ignored, just tolerated and worse yet, hated, denigrated and disrespected. No person should automatically be judged in a surface  way and automatically dismissed due to sex, race, religion or anything.  People, in the way God made them, were actually made to be celebrated.  It’s true of Latinos, Asians, Women and Men – all people. I believe this is also a key reason terrorists and radical control and manipulation has come into existence in our world.  In places where men and women in cultures feel disrespected, un-valued, unseen, un-known – rebellion, unrest, fear, hate and unfulfilled actualization of who God meant for people to be in our world stir up violence and destruction.  Where the true gifts God has put into people have been trashed by themselves or other cultures and individuals, it becomes the true loss of an irreplaceable one of a kind masterpiece and all of mankind, and particularly those who cannot see it, are poverty stricken as a result.

I also see the police community’s very same dilemma.  They too have felt “de-valued”. Their daily mission puts them distinctly in a situation where they experience more danger and negativity than people can even begin to imagine.  Let’s face it – when a police officer is involved in a situation, it is because there is something wrong. They daily run to “harm’s way”.  They are put into very fast moving events where they must sometimes instantly evaluate who is good and who is a threat.  When your whole job every day is a series of situations with many people who are not at their best, where the worst of human tendencies, character and behavior are being exhibited and you are not only there to protect others from that, but are charged with managing those individuals and situations to safe resolution – that is a difficult and demanding job, both personally and professionally.

There are bad people in every walk of life - those who have given themselves to a false image.  That does not mean that every person is bad.  Our fear of bad must never be an excuse to fail to embrace the good.  It is not right to de-value all because of some.  It is sad and wrong to fail to look for, embrace and value the good and beautiful that God has put into people different than us - His image resides in every person, but can only be fulfilled by permission and agreement with Him.  For people, those who follow Jesus – we know this battle is not really against individuals or people groups.  It is actually against powers and principalities set in place by the enemy of our souls.  It is a spiritual battle and can only be fought in the spirit.  So, where we sometimes fear the differences of others, we have the opportunity to sow in the opposite spirit and take time to really see them – see them as God does and help them see and celebrate themselves in His eyes!  He values each one!  We may feel safer with or gravitate to those who look like us or think like us, but, God has put a banquet before us and we get to taste and see that He is good in all the diversity He has made.  It is both a joy and vital duty to stretch ourselves outside of our comfort to see deeper and embrace and honor those things God has put uniquely into each people group and person for His glory.  Sometimes those things may be covered or hidden – but, they are always worth digging to find! That is God’s heart and there are amazing things to be found in each that our world desperately needs.  Funny thing, at heart – we are all much more alike than we are different.   It is wonderful and important to celebrate our differences and our alikeness both.

The truth is that until Black lives really feel as though, perceive that they are and feel embraced as ones who matter – the statement “All lives matter” can never be true.  This is also a call upon blacks and every people group to “from within themselves” see and value their own lives enough to take seriously what they do with them, how they take part, how they live out the giftings and unique value God has put into them. The same is true for Police Officers – until they are perceived as mattering “All lives” do not matter.  Women, Latinos, Asians, and all other people groups – the hard fact is that until ALL lives matter, are valued and embraced to live out their true calling – then the statement “All Lives Matter” is just a fine chain of words that sound really great and actually mean nothing.  Lip service will never be heart service.  All of us must ask where we are failing to see the good, the value and unique gift that others are to us.  I believe this is actually an opportunity for a greater revelation of the value of ALL that Papa has put into us all. The enemy is vested in distraction, strife and hate.  God is vested in honor, value and embracing His best.  This is not just optional, this is necessary for the future of all generations and our world.

Girls on Trail

I have the best kiddoes.  When my son and daughter-in-law lived in state they, my husband and I and our 2 daughters used to take day hikes together as a family every couple of months throughout Riverside, San Diego and Orange Counties.  We had some great adventures together – trails full of discovery, beautiful strange nature and lots of silliness and laughter.  Since my son (his sweet wife and our 1^st grandson – who  has since got a brother) relocated (the US Navy’s pleasure), my two daughters still continue the fun, hiking with us a few time a year.  Today, my daughters and I (Hubby home still recovering – so proud of that man’s determination) headed to Irvine to try the trails at San Joaquin Wildlife Sanctuary.  Who knew right in the midst of the city you could find such a lovely 3 mile squarish patch jam packed full of various size ponds, amazing birds, plants and wildlife (cool butterfly and humming bird gardens too) and  a variety of trails?  Despite the early hour and rather constant drizzle, our spirits were  not dampened!   

Not far into the hike, I noticed many photographers, nestled in various outlets surrounding the ponds, snapping pics of the beautiful and varied marsh life.  My girls noisily chatted, as I kept shushing them to take in the beauty of the many different bird songs and noises filling the air.  No matter their ruckus, though – the wildlife remained abundant and not shy or skittish.  We had little cotton tails hippity hop around every corner.  Then, down one long stretch of trail, came the confident strut of a stately large gray 4 foot plus resident  (could have been a type of Heron) with what looked to be a little black toupee headdress.  He (or she) slowly, calmly and gracefully walked right toward us, unruffled by our conversations.  It was awesome to see such a large animal so close, though we remained at a respectful distance.  Ducks and geese were plentiful with their little babies in tow.  One duck mother looked as though she was babysitting a whole community’s progeny as a trail of some 14 babies followed her out across one pond, no other adult duck in sight!  One little brown bird with orange face came right up to us on the trail with his friendly greeting. Large dark birds perched on tree limbs in the distance as small lithe gull cousins darted over our path.  We came round a curve in the trail to find a tall shrub bubbling with what seemed like 10 to 12 of the tiniest dark birds I’ve ever seen, flitting in and out of the branches.  It reminded me of a popcorn machine as they flew up and out and back and forth all in rapid succession of each other. 

We wandered through bizarrely beautiful trees (like something out of Dr. Seuss).  Bright green trunks studded with thorns anchored spiraling branches downy with white seed pods shaped like little hands.  Then what seemed like the tallest spreading tree, ethereal with it's pale pink mini pompoms on tiny sticks, popped up right before us.  Mounds of wild raspberry and blackberry bushes came into view with ripe berries all over them (it may have been ill advised, but we ate several).  Tomato plants with bright red fruit peeked out from amongst the tangle at intervals.  The air was magical with scents – honeysuckle, jasmine and a smell similar to that smell in Disneyland’s Main Street Candy Shop.  Deep magentas, pale and lacy yellows, bright blues and young bright greens delighted the eye at each turn.  Orange and purple trumpet varieties of flower and trees laden with deep pink fleshy blossoms were magically “sugared” by the fine rain mist. 

Though fitted with hooded jackets we all got fairly soaked in the steady light rain.  Yet it was a pleasant temperature and we didn’t mind as we enjoyed the various portions of the many trails.  The boardwalk took us over water giving an up close view of the “green smoothie-like” marsh water and clumps of swamp grass.  As we stopped to look at some of the plant life on the trail, Taylor, my youngest daughter, picked up a long stalk with something like grains at its end.  She shook it at her sister, Crissy, who promptly yelled, “Hey, what’s on that thing? It’s wet; you’re getting in my mouth!”  Taylor laughed and said, “I think its bird poo”.  Then, at her sister’s face of horror, she began laughing in earnest and back peddling saying it must be mud from the ground. Her sister’s face did not register much difference at this revelation.  

This prompted me to remind Taylor of the time she was around 5 and had run in the house screaming that she was dying.  She had been out on our front lawn and saw some toadstools growing and ran in the house screaming and crying that she was dying.  When I tried to settle her down and ask her what happened, she said she thought the mushroom was going to kill her.  When I asked her if she had eaten the mushroom or put it in her mouth she said, “I don’t know, I don’t know!!”  I asked, “How can you not know if you did or did not put it in your mouth?”  Turns out, her older brother (7 years her senior) had been out with her when they saw the mushrooms.  Knowing that we had warned her many times before never to put them in her mouth – he went the extra “caring-brother-mile” convincing her that just seeing them may put her in danger.  It was quite some time we had calming her enough to realize that she had not actually touched or eaten them and was okay.  Ahhh, memories.  J 
What a wonderful way to spend an early Saturday morning.  Happy Trails!

Breathtaking

I’ve seen it and tried to battle it since I was a little child - contempt.  I can remember the viciousness of it in little children in elementary school – kids who were bullied, beat up, called names, teased, harassed, torn down, and publicly humiliated.  I watched this and it sobered me.  And, I determined very young that I was going to protect myself from the bullies.  So, in elementary school, I developed a mean look and sarcastic wit.  For the most part – bullies didn’t try to mess with me much.  The only one who did – Kevin – determined that anyone who touched his ball was going to pay. So when he bounced it off my legs on the sidelines at school he made good on his threat, knocking me to the ground and breaking my collar bone.  A couple of weeks later, he and I were in the school office talking with the principal and as I left the office I heard the spanking and his screams (they were allowed to give spankings when I was in school) and…I cried for him.  Yes, even then it hurt me to hear someone else being hurt, even though they hurt me.

It’s been no different as an adult.  In the world there are many people who only feel good when they are hurting or intimidating and humiliating others.  I’m not perfect – I don’t live out the fullness yet of Jesus’ mandate to love my enemies the way He loves me.  I do try – but, I’m not stellar at it, I admit, though I’m working on it.  I’m thankful God’s Holy Spirit is guiding and helping me learn how to let Jesus’ love overflow in my own heart.  I’m in transformation, but I still fail, many times.  It’s a process with me – so, I can see that others are also in their process and I can have compassion and empathy toward the ones who are hateful or mean to me.

What I find different, at this point in my life, is that I’m seeing bullies differently now.  I used to see danger and threat to myself and contempt of me in the people who bullied or were hateful to me.  But, now, I see their emptiness, lack, fear, sometimes jealousy.  And, I’m always surprised to realize again that though many of these individuals have great talent, resources and opportunities they still have these things inside that cause them to think it’s necessary for them to treat others this way.  From Luke 6:45 –“The good man brings good things out of the good treasure of his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil treasure of his heart. For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.” 

God's started showing me how to look in His eyes and see the truth and pour out His goodness to people like this and pray for them.  What I see, when I look with Jesus’ eyes, is that their bad behavior is not about me at all.  I am learning so much.  And, their behavior helps show me what's inside of me too.   I can believe for them and see in them my complete inability (apart from Jesus) to make myself be better.  And right there I can show them the compassion that God always shows me.  I don’t have to expect these people will change, but, I can continue to believe for them.  God’s kindness to me is always present in the midst – whatever happens.  He proves it over and over again and I keep learning more deeply all the time to trust him because of it.  And, it's so amazing when some of them receive God’s love and learn to know that He is for them. It’s pretty exciting to see what comes of that.   I love seeing people be who God really made them to be.  It’s breathtaking, actually, words have no power here!  And, it makes walking through all the "stuff" completely worth it. J

SHINE!

I have to tell on myself. I recently got a pretty devastating and much deserved spanking. Yes, I’m guilty and it’s sad and true. It wasn’t the first time Papa had highlighted this issue to me (he’s so patient). I had been very aware and even working on trying somehow to stop, but, had still continued on. Oh, it was a very hard thing and I cried quite a lot (I have permission to cry, but don’t typically spend long periods of time doing it). But, in the pain and difficulty of it, God's deep love, care, gentle kindness and encouragement to me were what overwhelmed me in the midst. I cried out to him and sat with him a long long time. He was with me and did not ever leave me.

I have had a terrible habit develop in the last 2 years of some days being late to work. It's not my only problem, but, yeah, it’s one of my more ridiculously silly ones. It was not something I had a problem with in the past, but has become very routine as time has gone on.  A couple of days a week I arrived late by 3 to 5 minutes and some days also returning from lunch. Some days I was even 10 minutes late. I don't take breaks, so, I'd sort of justified continuing it (the company is losing no time, so, it’s not really a big deal). And, some days I'm actually early, but, the being late days I let them continue.  I’ve actually talked with myself about it many times.  I know it's wrong.  I don't like it.  I’ve let my boss know that I have no excuse for it and want to stop. It seems no matter how I’ve struggled I could not make myself be better in this. I don't want to do it and yet, somehow, I still had allowed it.  I believe it developed in me as a bad response to the negativity in my office that has escalated, sort of my way of thumbing my nose at it.  Papa showed me this and explained how it's the wrong way to handle the negativity.  And He showed me that I cannot continue it.  He's been long-suffering with me about it, but, He loves me too much to let me continue to sabotage myself and things around me. He’s such a great Dad.

You may ask, “Minutes late, in the scheme of things how big a deal is that?” Yeah, for a long time I said that to me.  Turns out much bigger things are at stake than you or I think! Things outside of a seemingly insignificant few minutes late.  So, why is it such a big deal? A friend of mine, Mark Dahle, gave a great and insightful talk that helped me to see a lot about this “God Wants the Best for You” some weeks ago. If you want to check it out you can @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZwCw6xDxAQ.  What was made clear to me in my spanking is that my seemingly insignificant choice to engage in being late affects things exponentially in a BIG way. First, it affects ME. My character is being aligned with God’s more and more. I am being refined. Old dead habits must go. I must go His way. Allowing thing's I'm aware of can have a tendency to allow more things. I'm on a mountain, climbing, anchoring with ropes. The higher I go, the more dangerous it is, the thinner the atmosphere and more treacherous the conditions. This terrain brooks no carelessness, it's deadly.  If I do not get rid of the flesh habits (even silly ones) now, I could fall off this mountain entirely or slip and take a terrible set back. I was so blind to this in some ways. God’s grace will always cover me and especially when I fail. However, I have an opportunity here to partner with God and take seriously what He is highlighting for good.

Greater still, is the effect on those in my sphere of influence.  Those roped together with me on this mountain. When I do not handle the "jettison" work of the old dead flesh habits hanging on me, I risk the safety of those around me and tied to me. I hate the thought that I cause them risk, even more than how it would affect me. When I engage in wrong – it gives others permission and encouragement to do wrong (even when they don't necessarily see it - that's scary). This is true of any wrong – wrong attitudes and actions. It affects the atmosphere by multiplying it. Mark’s talk goes into this really well. I have the great joy here; instead, of putting on the new and letting the radiant SHINE safely anchor those around me to goodness incarnate! What an amazing truth! Right and good through me multiplies in my sphere/atmosphere and brings safety and restoration. I have known this in so many big ways and yet, little things are significant. This was shown to me in small things. God uses very small things quite astonishingly. I cannot disregard it and I won't. 

Matthew 5:14-16

^14-16 “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

Most importantly – and this actually hit me the hardest and broke my heart. The thought of, in any way, misrepresenting Jesus to others - it’s crushing how that hurts me. My carelessness about His reputation in the world, it makes me cry all over again. I wish I could convey how much seeing this affects me. I never want anyone to walk away from an experience with me or seeing a behavior I exhibit that makes them believe something untrue or skewed about Jesus. I am a child of God, an ambassador of Christ, a Kingdom citizen. I don’t hide it from people. I exemplify who God is and what family life is like to a world that has no idea. When I thoughtlessly allow myself to indulge in things I know are wrong, it’s like making God evil in the eyes of those looking on. That is never ever who He is. Instead I GET TO SHINE the truth of who He is and the goodness of His Kingdom life - making it real in this world. That honor wrecks me. To be chosen to represent Him.  I always know He is getting the short end of the stick in this deal because I seem to mess up at every turn.  But, He is so amazingly loving and kind – tenderhearted in His grace, to me. He always assures me that He knew exactly what He was getting in this deal and He has never regretted it.  He always looks at me and holds me up as a joy worth having, through everything - suffering and dying and walking with in and through transforming all things.  And, He makes failure fail-proof! He makes me to be who HE envisioned when He crafted me in His heart, long before I existed.  He’s taken my ruinous wrecked life and given me His perfect one instead. I’m more than awe struck by it. I’ll never get over it.

I was really smarting and exhausted, but at the same time so thankful - really grateful!  I'm sensing a heart change that has me actually really excited. Don't know if that makes sense. But, I am now up for what The Holy Spirit wants to do instead! The goodness of God leads to repentance. So, we begin! I'm thrilled to see what taking God’s hand here will unfold! Feels like being on the verge of the immense. I can see the ripples in the atmosphere – light shining into darkness!

He Appeared

Drawing by Jean Keaton

Our pastors have been going through some of the Christmas Carols this year, teaching us their background and meanings from the scriptures. Last Sunday I was sick but caught our pastor online talking about, “O Holy Night”. When he came to “til he appeared and the soul felt its worth” it resonated for me.  He noted how we often do not feel God’s love or our worth to Him.

It reminded me of something that happened earlier this year to me. I have come to understand that my soul has a lot of lies that were planted in it from ages where I really had no ability to reason or understand. I’ve harbored and even nurtured many of them without realizing it. Now that I’m more aware, when I detect there are lies present, I want to uncover them and see what Jesus is holding there for me instead. Earlier this year I found a whopper. I was meeting with a group of people who were telling me various things, all good with good intentions, and I was listening and asking questions, trying to gain a more complete understanding. At one point in our discussions I shared some things from my heart with them; however, this particular group did not really grasp some of what I was saying. I could tell by what they noted in return that they missed a core piece of information and though I tried various means and different illustrations, they seemed intent to fix firmly on their interpretation of what I was saying. They seemed to show no interest in listening to me to understand what I was telling them. In those moments, I had this overwhelming feeling of being completely alone, abandoned, voiceless and pretty much helpless to do anything about it for myself.

 

A little later that day I was meeting up with friend on an errand.  Since it was fresh in my mind and she noted she had time – she kindly agreed to help me process these feelings that had come up.  So, I felt as though no matter what I said or how I said it, I was not being heard in any real way. My friend asked me if there was any time I’d felt this same way before in my life.  I had occasions when I was older where this had happened, but my earliest connection to it came in an impression I had from when I was very young.  I described to her being a little one standing in a baby bed in a room and crying and crying, but no one ever came. I was looking for my mama, but she never came. It was a long time, seemed unending, and no person looked in on me. The door was open to the room I was in, but I could not hear or see any other person in the house. My friend asked me what I believed about me right there in that baby bed alone, no one coming or around. I said, “I cannot be heard and I don’t matter”. So, she asked me if I wanted to know where Jesus was when I was there and to ask him if it was true, that I cannot be heard and I don’t matter.  I said yes. I tentatively questioned, really hurting and fearful, “Jesus is it true no one can hear me and I don’t matter?” As I was sitting in that place of deep pain and loneliness as a little child I had the impression settle on me of Jesus there holding me and cuddling me and lovingly rocking me in the midst of my abandonment. A strong sense of safety and security as well as a feeling of being deeply treasured, loved, holding significance and being a source of delight all came flooding over me from Jesus.  What a powerful moment of reality.  He was always there with me. His holding me in that moment broke lies off of my soul and gave me a more complete sense of assurance that I matter to Him.  I had known for many years that I matter to him.  I know and trust that He died to free me of sin on the cross and rose to new life so I could walk with God in this new life.  But, does Jesus take the time and trouble to apply the truth of his cross acutely and accurately to the hearts of little babies that lie within long since grown up women and men?   Does he stop to value, love and care for a baby whose only translation of the gospel writings would be in this wordless form?   I assure you, Jesus cares about and daily tends to these details meticulously, wonderfully and with great joy.  He does not always do it in the same way as he did on this day. Sometimes there are things I've needed to work through, to forgive others or repent of things I have done wrong before I am able to receive what He has for me. But these things are not just trivial niceties or wistful little wishing’s – they are core alignments.

There was a part of my heart that did not know this aspect of His truth and it prevented a fullness of receiving from Him.  At that moment I realized His truth in a deeper more full way that freed me of a lie.  And, even though that room was still empty of other people and no other person ever came when I cried Jesus was there.  He was present and attentive to my need to be loved in the way a child needs to be loved and cared for.  I spent some time there with Jesus and that was really good – I still go back there to savor his goodness and He’s always there for me.  As I say, over the years I’d come to know that Jesus is always with me - first through learning and reading it in the bible.  And then, I’ve also had many adventures with him where he’s shown me he is with me.  He is my lifelong best friend as well as the awe striking pure and holy Lamb of God.  Every day we share conversation and interaction.  Sometimes he’ll point me to his word and give me impressions about an aspect of it or I’ll read him some portions out loud and sit with him resting in them.  Sometimes we’re walking or I’m somewhere and He’ll show me a person or people and he’ll point out something he wants for them and I’ll give it to them from Him or pray for them, if that’s what He wants.  Sometimes He takes me into the Kingdom room and we look at the maps and plans with their various brilliantly unfolding designs and details.  Sometimes he’s just really fun and seriously funny. No one has a more outstanding sense of humor or better timing than Jesus.  He simply is the best.  I spend time on my face exalting and adoring him, awe struck by His holiness and undone by the greatness of His majestic presence – reverence, terror and deep thankfulness all mixed together. But, when I was a little child I did not know him in these ways.  When he showed me that even then, when I was too young to help myself or do anything and had no personal relational abilities with him, he took care of it all and still does.  He is deeply vested in our relationship and was before I ever had any awareness or ability to respond. He is my loving mother and father, tending to all my needs and thrilled and delighted to do so. And he is relentless in holding and tending to my wounded heart and soul and teaching it His truth as he grows me out through and past those woundings to represent him uniquely in the way He crafted me to.  He respects the personhood he gave me – so the areas of work where he invites my participation I get to choose if I will or not.  He never overrides, but, is ever the framework of life upon which I stand.  When I willingly give my personhood back to him that’s when it always becomes more amazing and what it should be.  When that little me experienced him there - the intensity of the feelings that had gripped me of abandonment, helplessness and voicelessness went away and were replaced with deep significance, peace, joy and delight.  He released the “hostage hold” in that portion of my soul of a misperception I had about who He really is and who I am to Him that I had no awareness of.  That’s part of “soul work” with fear and trembling. 

It is important to live my life in accord with God’s truth as best as I have apprehended it in my heart - regardless of feelings.  And, I must be diligent in ever learning His truth in his word and walking with him to apply it daily to my life.  His grace both empowers and covers me right where I’m at.  And, it’s important for me to grasp the true role feelings play and where they afford me awareness, with God, to press in to the fullness of the truth of His word.  It’s funny – God cares about feelings just as he cares about all aspects of his creation.  He created them powerful and beautiful things.  He has feelings and is never ashamed or avoidant of having them.  He certainly is never materially or spiritually stronger or weaker because of them – but is rich and whole in the fullness of them.  His masterful display of pure and holy feelings is radiantly glorious and terrifying.  God is no stoic.  He took full vent of every righteous bit of anger and wrath out upon Jesus. He also poured out the full measure of deepest relational love and glory upon his son, in whom he is well pleased and fully vested. Stoicism is a system of protection that humans invented to manage feelings.  Kingdom people are joyful as they intentionally more deeply embrace the heart of their Father while shedding all other forms of protection. If we’re being made in Christ’s image we will be our true self and pure and holy feelings will be a mere outflow of that transformation.  Feelings, a great gift God has given to fully savor life and a stellar built-in set of indicators. They always point out when and where something is going on in me when they come up.  Like a campfire of green wood, they leave a trail of smoke to follow to the source of where they are coming from.  I don’t mistake truth for feelings, but, I also don’t ignore the opportunity they present for me to apprehend God's truth in a deeper way.  I use them to discover.  I’m always thankful to partner when God invites me to realign to His truth in my heart.  It is not an easy process, but it is always good.  I love learning new levels of joy in the midst too!  And, I love helping my friends and family along the way as well.  I want to want everything God wants for me.  I didn’t used to want to want it.  Yep, only wanted what I thought was good (broken thinker).  I hated the thought of some of what He wanted and I’ve found there are many things I had no awareness of that He wants for me.  As my soul receives more wholeness the things He wants for me that I have an awareness of don’t look the same to me at all.  I don’t have to fully understand to trust.  I’m not saying I don’t struggle, because I certainly do at points.  But, it’s a good struggle and I'm not afraid to struggle anymore, resting in his love.  I'm ever hopeful in the process.  And I’m learning to want to want what looked un-inviting before.  God is an endless treasure and I’m made to find Him!  It’s an exciting and wonder filled life!   He appeared and the soul felt and found it’s worth.  The soul is ever on that journey.